Women Are Finally Speaking Out About The Orgasm Gap

With the ongoing commotion in the world right now, sex hasn't been at the top of many of our agendas.

However, if you asked the women who have managed to make their way to the bedroom, we'd bet a fair few would report finding things to be a little more 'no, no, no' than 'yes, yes, yes' - like the opposite of a Herbal Essences advert.

It's no secret that in life, women have the raw end of the deal. We're less likely to be paid as much as our male counterparts, be promoted into senior roles...or orgasm during intercourse. Sigh.

A study by the International Academy of Sex Research found that heterosexual women are being short-changed in the bedroom, with only 65 per cent usually or always orgasming during intercourse, compared to 95 per cent of men.

The gap ultimately exists due to the different ways men and women are stimulated. But, there's also a general ignorance around women's sexual pleasure.

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Research by Durex has shown that 30 per cent of heterosexual men believe the best way to bring their partners to orgasm is via vaginal penetration, when in reality more than half of women said they climax more often through clitoral stimulation, 33 per cent favour finger foreplay and 22 per cent prefer oral play.

Despite the disparity of pleasure between the sexes, over half of men (a staggering 56 per cent) believe an orgasm is not "necessary" for women to enjoy sex, while one in five women admit they don't always get the right stimulation they require to climax.

But could things be changing? One sex-positive influencer is finally getting women to speak out about their experience in the bid to close the gap, and they're doing so - loud and proud.

Dami Olonisakin, better known as Oloni, the founder of sex and relationships platform Simply Oloni, invited women to share their experiences in the bedroom in a bid to help boost our sexual encounters.

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In a fiery debate that took place on social media app Clubhouse, and also spilled on to Twitter, many women vented their frustrations.

"Why aren't men ashamed of themselves and why don't the men who shorten the gap roast the men who widen it?", asked one woman.

"Let's start shaming men instead of faking for men," another suggested. "Communication is key."

"Some men honestly just don't care about female's pleasure tbh, you can tell who came just to get their nut and go," a third moaned.

Elsewhere, a fourth person said: "De-centering ejaculation from being the centre of sex is the way to close the gap. Sex shouldn't end if he comes, if the orgasm wasn't mutual your flaccid penis doesn't mean there's nothing else we can do to get the women there."

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The disparity between the rates of male and female orgasm is down to a lack of education, Love, Relationship & Sexuality Coach at Zoe Clews & Associates, Emma Spiegler explains.

"There's a belief that a woman's body works just like a man's, and it doesn't," she tells Tyla. "There is a difference and yet mainstream culture and narratives in porn and media tell us a story that women's bodies' should and do work like men's.

"It's a two way issue that both men and women need to take ownership and responsibility for in terms of communicating with each other. The problem is that women and men have been taught that talking about sex is unsexy when actually it can be really sexy and can really add to the eroticism, intimacy and connection between each other.

"But if we don't talk about it how are men supposed to know what is and isn't working for women and what is and isn't supporting his female partner to have an orgasm."

Emma adds that women need to go on a journey of self-discovery in sex so they can figure out what they like.

"Women feel immense pressure to have an orgasm, and can lead to them feeling like there's something wrong with them," she says. "This leads to associating stress and negativity with sex which creates a negative feedback loop and means that they will enjoy sex less and less and want to have it less and less.

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"The biggest factors in women feeling pressured to orgasm often is not giving themselves enough time to relax into pleasure, drop out their minds and into their bodies and to enjoy pleasure and release the need and expectation to have an orgasm."

Emma is quick to stress that sex can still be enjoyable for both parties even if you don't necessarily manage to achieve orgasm - and that there are two different types of climax that we can set out to enjoy.

"There are peak and valley orgasms," she says. "Peak orgasms are what we see on the screens and valley orgasms can be a lot more subtle and still very pleasurable.

"Often women may be experiencing a valley orgasm, but because it's not loud and obvious they may miss it. In the missing of this pleasure an opportunity is missed to really focus on this pleasure and build and expand on it.

She adds that while there's still a lot of education to be done surrounding female orgasms, and fighting to end the orgasm gap is certainly a worthy cause, both parties shouldn't get bogged down if they're enjoying the experience otherwise.

"There is so much more to sex than having an orgasm," she says. "There is the pleasure in being touched and giving touch, the connection, the closeness, the intimacy, the play, the eroticism and all of this can happen without orgasms."

Topics: Life News, Dating, Life, Sex & Relationships

Kimberley Bond

Kim is a journalist at Tyla, and has previously worked at the Evening Standard, Radio Times as well as several national newspapers. A showbiz obsessive and a television fanatic, Kim is particularly interested in celebrity gossip, A-list events and the latest releases on either the big or small screen. Contact her at [email protected]

@0xKimberley