Relationship expert reveals 13 secrets to a happy relationship
We all know the feeling of falling head over heels in love with someone and hoping the feeling lasts forever.
Unfortunately, reality soon sets in and we find ourselves getting annoyed about their every day habits, or sometimes even getting the ick.
Luckily for us there are experts who can give us a heads up on the secret to happy relationships.
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London-based psychotherapist Jean-Claude Chalmet has a 30-year-strong career which has including giving counselling to hundreds of couples.
He told The Times that ‘there’s nothing so difficult as living with and loving another person’ - which makes seething about socks left on the floor make a lot more sense.
Explaining his aims in more detail, Chalmet said: “My job is to help [couples] to better understand one another.
“When you’ve been together for many years, you can slip into unhelpful habits and eventually, instead of your relationship being alive, it’s merely existing."
There are 13 secrets to maintaining a happy relationship, according to Chalmet.
Here they are…
Pay attention to their feelings
It’s important not to dismiss your partner’s feelings when they take the time to communicate.
He said: "It’s easily done, but when you dismiss their concerns, they can feel as if they hardly matter.
"The ability to read your partner and care enough to respond to their needs is called 'emotional attunement' and it’s the key to long-term happiness."
Be open to difficult conversations
Chalmet says that uncomfortable topics must be dealt with in order to maintain a healthy relationships.
He suggests opening with "I want to talk about something difficult. Can you give me the time to explain it?" to break the ice.
Avoidance can lead to resentment, and no one wants that.
Avoid co-dependency
It’s great to be in a relationship and have your ‘other half’, but independence is so important.
Chalmet says, “Being joined at the hip is a passion killer - there’s zero excitement.
"In therapy we call it 'codependence', and it’s often seen in people-pleasers. You make joint decisions and modify your opinions to suit the other; you’d rather not express how you genuinely feel in case that causes upset or conflict.”
Take the time to make some plans outside of your relationship.
Be spontaneous
Relationships thrive on spontaneity.
Many relationships live their lives according to a schedule.
Chalmet calls these 'organisational partnerships', and points out that quality time is spent feeling distracted by things on our mental lists.
"Often, these couples know things don’t feel quite right between them but feel frozen. I advise them to start by changing one thing. Spontaneously text the other person just to say hi. Leave the washing-up.
"Go for a walk one evening midweek, or to the coast on Sunday, just the two of you - snap out of autopilot”, he says.
Learn their love language
By this point, we’ve all heard of love languages. But what to do when they vary?
For instance, if one person’s love language is physical touch, and their partner’s is words of affirmation - things can get tricky as they may give the love they want to personally receive.
Chalmet advises us to go the extra mile and learn their language.
"You might ask: 'What could I do better? I care about you, but I don’t always know what I should do, so can you help me?'” he explains.
Make time for sex
In the beginning, many couples have a lot of sex. Naturally, as time goes on and life gets in the way, this may reduce.
Chalmet points out that sex 'cements and celebrates your relationship'.
In other words, it’s really important to prioritise and make time for intimacy.
"Otherwise anything and everything takes precedence, and suddenly you’re a couple who love each other but whose love life has dwindled to once a quarter," he said.
Stay engaged with your partner and what they like, whilst communicating your own needs. This way, sex won’t end up becoming a ‘chore’.
Make time for the little things
Love isn’t all grand gestures and fine dining meals. Sometimes, the littlest things have the greatest impact.
“Big gestures can't replace day-to-day kindness,” Chalmet says.
Just look at the ‘orange peel theory’ taking the internet by storm lately.
"We express our love through our day-to-day behaviour," he added.
Put the kettle on, then.
Don't stop flirting
Chalmet says: "Flirting can be lost in a long relationship, because to show you’re still attracted requires confidence, you must feel sure it’s reciprocated.
"That’s why having more fun is important. When you’re laughing, tactility and teasing become easier, more natural and you feel joy."
It’s important to let your partner know they still get you going. Flirting is what brought you together, so why should it disappear?
Get your flirt on.
Be in the moment - not on your phone
We’re all guilty of it - sticking on a film and ending up scrolling through Instagram, or checking our messages in the middle of a conversation.
This behaviour has become normalised but needs to stop. Your other half is infinitely more important than social media.
Chalmet said: "We long for our partner’s interest and feel lonely if we rarely get it. And once there’s disconnection, indifference sets in.
"The solution isn’t complicated. Check in regularly with each other."
Make sure you’re making an effort to actually talk to your partner beyond the usual ‘how was work’, ‘how was your day’ kind of questions.
Engage and put your phone on airplane mode.
Don't expect to be babied
There’s nothing more offputting than not feeling like equals, and feeling like you have to parent your significant other.
Chalmet explained that a lot of people expect to be 'indulged, forgiven and adored' at all times in relationships - an echo of how they were treated by their parents.
"What this often means is that the childlike person expects their needs to be anticipated and prioritised - yet they rarely reciprocate," the therapist said.
We’re all adults here, so let’s act like it.
Change isn't a threat
Long-term relationships will encounter change at some point. This could be with work, friends or money.
Chalmet said: "What I often see in my clinic is that when one person becomes very successful and there’s significant change, their partner feels intimidated.”
"If you are the one that feels threatened by the change, you have to be brave and start a conversation: 'I worry you might dismiss this, but because I love you this is important to me.' Then tell them what you feel,” he advises.
Don't let your standards slip
Feeling secure in a relationship sometimes leads to a dip in standards, especially when it comes to personal appearance.
Chalmet warns that 'neglecting your personal care is frankly selfish'.
He continued: "There’s no excuse for being tickled by your partner’s nose hair when you kiss or an assault of bad breath, and in my professional experience men are more likely to be the culprits here.
"Because they’re secure and comfortable in their relationship, they expect to be welcomed with open arms, stained clothing and all, often while their partner is head-to-toe immaculate.
"At times like this it’s a moment for an honest but gentle conversation. Ideally, both partners would agree to make an effort. Funnily enough, the mere act of showing willingness is attractive in itself."
Scratch that itch
Relationships aren’t perfect - and we all need to get our heads around that.
But perhaps the most surprising advice of Chalmet is that it could be a good idea to 'regurgitate certain arguments' regularly.
Chalmet said: "Perhaps you secretly don’t want to resolve the issue, because recycling a familiar argument is a perverse way of being close — your partner reacts predictably, and gives you their full attention.
"The connection is toxic, but sometimes we’re like children — any attention is better than none.
"It can become a game you both understand. One of my clients confessed that she enjoys arguing over the same old thing because it leads to make-up sex.
"There are certainly other ways of bonding, but if it works for both partners, who am I to criticise?"
Topics: Sex and Relationships
Kya Buller