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Topics: Mental Health, Sex and Relationships, Reddit
Poppy Bilderbeck
Red flags are flying on Reddit as experts share what could signify the end of a relationship.
If there's been trouble in paradise in your relationship, maybe these red flags shared by experts will help you decide whether or not you'll ever actually get hitched or if maybe you should just ditch them.
Fear not, we've still got a few months of hot girl summer left.
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Reddit is crawling with threads about red flags, but it can be hard to keep up so we've compiled a list of a few of the most frequently mentioned alarm bells so you can figure out whether you need to dump him or not.
In one thread, appealing to marriage counsellors for advice, a user asked: "What are the most common mistakes couples make?"
A user responded noting 'lack of communication/ comfort' is a big one, either 'expecting partners to be able to read their mind and anticipate needs and wants,' or when 'discussing difficult topics'.
'Blaming their partner [...] and not taking ownership,' 'not expressing gratitude towards your partner on a regular basis' and 'not giving intimacy [...] enough attention,' are also all listed by the counsellor as 'common mistakes'.
Listed on a thread more specifically about 'red flags,' a user shared the advice of relationship expert John Gottman, and the 'four horsemen of relationship apocalypse - criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling (shutting down completely as a result of being overwhelmed)'.
The post reads: "Harsh startup - upon greeting your loved one, you instantly launch into a complaint, critique or harsh words instead of a pleasant greeting.
"Criticism - using absolutes to describe behavior (always, never, all the time, etc.). Note the difference between a complaint vs. a criticism - Complaint: There's no gas in the car. Why didn't you fill it up like you said? Criticism: There's no gas in the car - why can't you ever remember anything? You're so selfish/stupid/worthless, etc.
"Contempt - rolling eyes or mocking. Defensiveness - this is really about placing blame back on someone else. Stonewalling - becoming emotionally flooded such that you stop responding to your partner, you just shut down and refuse to talk, fight, participate."
Other users chimed in with the expert advice, noting fairly obvious red flags such as 'lying' and 'not listening' all the way to a partner not wanting you 'to be friends with their friends'.
Another added: "Wife has degree in marriage and family counselling. One of the bigger factors in a successful marriage are couples responding to 'repair attempts' during arguments/conflict. Rescue attempts are often little jokes or olive branches to help overcome issues and arguments."
The user exemplified his post by explaining his wife didn't buy movie tickets in advance for a date night they'd planned and it sold out.
"It sucked! She laughed and sheepishly said, 'Well, at least we get to spend more time together staring longingly into each other’s eyes!' That was her rescue attempt. It works two ways though, I also have to respond positively to it... which I did. We did a lot of staring longingly into each other’s eyes last Sunday," they said.
A final resolved it's a massive red flag and definitely time to ditch your partner 'when you start to hate the person you are when you're with them.'
Ultimately, a relationship should be a want not a need. My personal rule? One red flag is a mistake, second a slip up, but three? Three strikes and you're out.