'Catch up culture' is slowly killing our friendships - here's the realisation that sent me spiralling
I've always considered myself lucky when it comes to friendships.
Now in my late twenties, I'm incredibly fortunate to have still the same close-knit group of girls I've known since I was 11 years old. They're the women who've watched me navigate every awkward teenage phase, celebrated every milestone and become so much more like sisters than simply friends.
My university friendship group remains intact almost six years after graduation, having survived long-distance moves, career changes and all the chaos that comes with being a grown-up.
Then there are the friendships that naturally form as you get older, like colleagues who become confidantes, hobby friends, and even the girlfriends of your partner's mates who unexpectedly become your own.
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I've never felt short of people to call when I need advice, someone to celebrate with, or a shoulder to cry on. If anything, I've often joked that I have 'too many' friendship groups to keep up with.
Ironically, this year has reminded me exactly why those friendships mean so much.
Between hen dos, weddings and long weekends away, I've spent more uninterrupted time with some of my closest friends than I have since university. A four-night trip to the Alps. Three days in Spain. Seventy-two hours in Berlin. Hours spent getting ready together, dancing (and drinking, a lot) until the early hours, and reliving the kind of effortless closeness that only seems to happen when you have nowhere else to be.
For a little while, it felt as though we'd been transported back to our late teens-early twenties.
But now that wedding season is beginning to wind down, with just one celebration left in the diary, I can't help wondering what happens next.
Will we go back to squeezing each other in every six or eight weeks over a bowl of pasta or a bottle of Merlot?
Which is exactly why one TikTok managed to make me question whether I'd been looking at my friendships all wrong.
The clip that hit home
Because despite having so many wonderful women in my life, I suddenly realised that a surprising number of the people I'd once spent every weekend with had quietly become the friends I simply 'caught up' with.
The clip in question begins with a woman recalling her recent decision to 'stop catching up' with her friends.
She explained that, while most of her gal pals live in one city, she's based in another, which meant that, when they did find the time for a chinwag over a chai latte, they only had time to touch base on a number of conversation staples.
"We'd spend the whole time updating each other on work, relationships, and then we'd go home," she told viewers. "Don't get me wrong, I love those coffee catch-ups, but I realised that if that's all we ever do, we're not giving ourselves any new memories to look back on."
Immediately, a nerve was struck.
Suddenly, I was mentally scrolling through my own friendships - my uni girls, my school friends, my work friends, my ex-colleagues - and realising how many of them now revolved around the same familiar questions.
"How's work? How are things with Simon? Any holidays booked?"
It's not that I don't cherish those conversations. They're often exactly what I need: somewhere to vent about work, ask for advice or unpack whatever life has thrown at me that week.
But somewhere along the line, I'd stopped noticing that some of the women I'd once spent almost every day with had quietly become people I mostly updated about my life, rather than experienced it alongside.
Perhaps that's inevitable? Between demanding jobs, relationships, family commitments, rising living costs and the increasingly impossible task of finding a date that suits everyone's calendar, grabbing a quick drink after work often feels like the only realistic option.
Reading through the comments on the viral video, however, I realised I wasn't alone.
Turns out, I wasn't the only one feeling this way
Thousands of women admitted they'd never had a name for the feeling until now.
Others confessed they'd left coffees with friends feeling oddly flat - not because the conversation wasn't enjoyable, but because it felt like they were simply exchanging life updates before disappearing back into their separate routines.
"I'm really tired of catch-ups; they were lovely at the start, but it's been six years of only doing catch-ups," one woman wrote. "There's barely anything fulfilling to talk about because you're not doing life together."
Another added: "I've stepped back from 99% of friendships because we never actually do anything together. I was just a sounding board for everyone's problems."
Seeing so many women describe exactly what I'd been feeling made me wonder whether "catch-up culture" is simply an inevitable part of growing up, or whether we've unintentionally replaced shared experiences with convenience.
To find out, I spoke to two psychologists.
Psychologists have stressed the importance of continuing to make memories together (Tyla)
Was this just part of growing up?
HCPC-registered counselling psychologist Dr Candice O'Neill says it's no surprise so many adult friendships have become centred around updating each other rather than making new memories.
"We mainly meet to update each other on our lives rather than create new memories together," she explains. "I think this stems from the perception of mutual convenience but also real-world time pressures. Most people have incredibly busy lives, with little time for recreational activities outside of work and family."
Clinical psychologist and author Dr Michaela Thomas believes modern life naturally pushes us into what she describes as friendship "autopilot".
"Adult life is full of responsibilities, so it's easy to meet up on autopilot, where we 'offload' what is currently on our plate as an outlet for our stressors," she explains.
Importantly, she doesn't think that's necessarily a bad thing.
"That is an important part of friendships too, as connection comes from feeling vulnerable enough to share what we're going through. Especially when you're a parent, have a busy job, or are going through a health challenge."
However, she says that same mental load can make it difficult to create new shared experiences unless we're intentional about doing so.
"The juggle of daily life can take up so much headspace that it's hard to create moments of more relaxed joy and making new memories together."
Dr O'Neill agrees that "catch-up culture" isn't automatically a sign your friendships are fading.
"This trend can be both a natural and healthy stage of adult relationships, and a sign of growing distance," she says. "It can demonstrate mutual understanding of each person's obligations and life pressures."
Dr Thomas believes the key is recognising the difference between accepting the realities of adulthood and allowing friendships to drift.
"There is a fine balance between acceptance and change," she says. "Acceptance that adult life has more pressures of responsibility and is not as carefree as adolescent life."
(Getty Stock Image)
A surprisingly simple fix
But she also recommends taking stock of the friendships that matter most.
"Consider what kind of friend you want to be and what kind of friends you want to have," she says. "Do you need to make some efforts to suggest things to do that create memories? If you no longer feel as close, you can make efforts to try to rekindle that connection. You can ask questions which go beyond 'How is work?'"
Dr O'Neill also believes it's worth checking in with yourself after every catch-up.
"How do you feel approaching a coffee catch-up?" she asks. "Is it dread, a sense of dutiful obligation, or does it lift you, even in a short period of time?"
She says it's worth reflecting on how the friendship is evolving and whether you're happy with where it currently sits.
At the same time, neither expert believes memorable friendships are measured by extravagant trips or expensive experiences.
"Having a casual chat over a cup of tea together in the garden whilst the kids are playing together is also a meaningful connection," Dr Thomas says.
"Memories aren't always about what we were doing, but how we felt - safe, relaxed and close with someone."
Likewise, Dr O'Neill recommends occasionally swapping a coffee date for something more activity-based, whether that's a paint-and-sip class, a countryside walk or even a girls' weekend away.
Spending longer together, she says, takes away the pressure of trying to squeeze months of updates into a single conversation, leaving more room for authentic connection and shared memories.
Perhaps the biggest lesson I took away from both conversations, though, is that "catch-up culture" isn't the enemy.
Adult friendships were always going to evolve as careers, mortgages, marriages and children entered the picture.
The real question isn't whether we still catch up.
It's whether, now and then, we still make time to do life together.
Topics: Gen Z, Sex and Relationships, Advice, Real Life, Life
Rhianna Benson