Gen Z are now the 'loneliest' generation - psychologists explain why ‘protecting your peace’ is killing your friendships

It's no secret that Gen Z is the most socially conscious generation, whether it's spearheading mental health awareness or driving forward the sober-curious trend: wellbeing is a top priority.

However, figures show we're also the loneliest - so it begs the question, does 'protecting your peace' and always 'putting yourself first' come at the cost of friendships?

According to Office for National Statistics (ONS) research published in November, 33 percent of Brits aged 16 to 29 reported feeling lonely 'often, always or some of the time,' which is the highest score of all age groups, even higher than those aged over 70.

I've seen phrases like 'you don't owe anyone anything' plastered across motivational Instagram pages and spoken by influencers, and while, of course, prioritising yourself is so important, some people, myself included, are beginning to question whether it's led to implications for our relationships.

The problem isn't necessarily using these 'therapy talk' phrases, as Gen Z's care for mental health is definitely something to be proud of; it's when non-mental health experts throw them around too often in the wrong way.

As a 25-year-old member of Gen Z myself, I've witnessed countless people cut someone off and call them 'toxic' because they had one disagreement or cancel showing up to someone's birthday party at the last-minute because they're too tired and need a night in, all in the name of wellness. I've even been guilty of it myself.

Recent stats have revealed that Gen Z are the loneliest generation (Getty Stock Image)

To put it in simple terms, it goes back to the age-old phrase: "Everyone wants a village, but no one wants to be a villager," which basically translates to the idea that being a good friend sometimes means showing up for someone even when it’s inconvenient.

So, we did some digging and spoke with psychologists about whether we're taking boundaries and 'therapy speak' too far, leading us to easily cut off friends and cause a lack of community.

The boundaries conundrum

Clinical psychologist Dr. Daniel Glazer from US Therapy Rooms told Tyla that the whole debate stems from a 'misunderstanding of what boundaries actually are'.

The expert explained: "In clinical psychology, boundaries are not walls; they are guidelines for how we stay in relationships with other people without becoming overwhelmed.

"When I hear people say that younger adults are too quick to cut others off, I usually see something far more nuanced at play."

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He added: "Many have learned, sometimes the hard way, that they are allowed to step back from dynamics that feel destabilising, and to me this reflects a growing emotional awareness."

However, the point where it can become problematic is when 'boundaries are misused as a reflex rather than a choice' because relationships need 'flexibility to survive moments of strain, misunderstanding, and repair'.

As outlined by Cleveland Clinic, setting boundaries shouldn't be about completely shutting yourself off from other people, but communicating your needs and expectations in a healthy way without blaming or accusing others.

Psychologists have explained what could be behind the shift (Getty Stock Image)

Psychotherapist Claire Law, who's also a legal contributor at Custody X Change and works with young people and families, agrees that there's been a definite shift in the way that Gen Z thinks about relationships.

She outlined: "The ideas of ‘protecting your peace,’ ‘cutting off toxic people,’ and ‘you don’t owe anyone anything’ are being communicated in a way that is short and simple. While those are very empowering messages in a genuinely toxic situation, they also lack the nuance that real relationships require."

While hitting the block button before hearing someone out may feel like the best thing to do in the moment, it might be something you regret later down the line.

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The expert pointed out how previous generations were encouraged to tolerate too much, whereas Gen Z is being encouraged to tolerate very little.

"The psychological sweet spot is somewhere in between," Law explained. "It’s crucial to avoid thinking of this as Gen Z ‘doing relationships wrong'. They are reacting to a world that feels like it’s been turned upside down and is just plain overwhelming.

"It’s perfectly reasonable to want peace and safety. The problem is learning that boundaries and connection aren’t opposites - they have to coexist."

When you fall out with a friend, it can be easier to just block and move on, but this isn't always the best solution (Getty Stock Image)

Meanwhile, therapist Danny Zane, from Low Cost Therapy, pointed out that while Gen Z has grown up in an era where emotional awareness is encouraged - which is obviously a good thing - it sometimes can be used as a 'weapon of avoidance' rather than a 'healthy tool for growth'.

The expert added: "We should be pausing to repair or reflect before communicating with a friend or a loved one after a disagreement; not automatically walking away, blocking, or ghosting.

"Yes - it can feel empowering in the moment, but it can also lead people to feel incredibly anxious and disconnected.

"Friendship isn’t just about comfort; it is also about compromise and resilience. All relationships require effort. When the message becomes 'protect yourself at all costs', we risk losing the friendships that help us grow and feel less alone."

Overuse and misuse of therapy speak

The whole conversation about boundaries also comes at a time when therapy speak is creeping into more and more people's daily vocabularies.

We talk about complex concepts like gaslighting, our 'inner-child,' and even our trauma, like it's the weather.

While this isn't necessarily a negative thing, as it's great we're so open and emotional, it can confuse things and blow situations out of proportion when used inaccurately.

"The difficulty is that once clinical terms enter everyday conversation, they can sometimes get stretched to fit situations they were never designed for," Law explained.

Complex terms like 'trauma dumping,' 'narcissism,' and 'gaslighting' are being used more and more frequently, in situations where these things aren't really happening.

'Therapy speak' is also becoming more and more common in our daily vocabulary (Getty Stock Image)

While it can be easy to slip into using these phrases as we see them so much online, it's important to remember that you're not 'trauma-bonded' to your colleague because you had a bad shift at work together, nor is your bestie a 'narcissist' because she posted a photo where you don't look your best.

Mental Health Care Specialist Janee Young, who's also the clinical director of Wellness Detox of LA, explained that while it is healthy to protect your peace, it's also crucial not to turn that into avoiding all discomfort. Sometimes the hardest conversations are the most important ones.

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She outlined: "If a friend cancelled plans twice, someone might assume disrespect and cut that friend off, without asking if something is going on.

"A group chat can be labelled toxic because of a misunderstanding that no one tried to repair. Some might learn terms like gaslighting and triggered in therapy, and use them to shut down conversations instead of opening them up.

"It becomes too easy to treat normal human messiness as a red flag. It is necessary to have a few relationships where repair is expected, not optional."

However, of course, it is 'more than appropriate to cut off someone when there are concerns about safety, abuse, manipulations, stalking, or repeated boundary violations'.

How to strike a balance

As a therapist who's got more than a decade of experience in mental health care, Young's advice to clients who are struggling with a friendship or relationship is to set a specific limit and see if the other person can respect that.

She said: "I advise my clients to be direct about their needs and feelings. Say what hurts you. Request a change. Give your friend a chance to make things right.

"If you feel a relationship is draining you, try to reduce the intensity of it instead of ending it. Make plans less frequently, no calls at night, no venting after a certain time."

Relationships can be up and down, but a lot of the time, they thrive on forgiveness and understanding.

So, next time, if you find yourself wanting to cut someone out of your life or hit that block button, maybe try talking it out first, as it could change everything.