Trauma therapist reveals one subtle gaslighting phrase narcissists always use

Caroline Strawson has made a living aiding men and women all over the world to leave narcissistic relationships, having endured an emotionally abusive relationship herself.

And this week, the trauma therapist has used her platform as a means of raising awareness of one, relatively under-acknowledged turn of phrase that is used by gaslighters to undermine their other-half.

For those unfamiliar with these phrases, a 'narcissist' is a clinical term used to describe someone suffering a pathological level of self-absorption.

The term was first identified as a mental disorder back in 1898 by British physician Havelock Ellis, and while psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud previously claimed that an air of narcissistic behaviour is normal in childhood development, he added that it becomes a concern if exhibited after puberty.

What actually is gaslighting?

'Gaslighting' describes a manipulative tactic used to force someone to question their reality, memory or perceptions.

Sadly, no one is more aware of this heartbreaking reality than therapist Caroline Strawson, who claims she endured gaslighting throughout the duration of her marriage to her ex, from whom she thankfully divorced some years ago.

As she says, however, gaslighting isn't always obvious, and actually, there are sometimes only really subtle signs of this concerning behaviour - including the use of one particular turn of phrase.

"Gaslighting is a subtle, powerful form of emotional abuse designed to make you question your reality," she captioned a new video released on social media. "It can happen in any relationship, and it often looks like this...".

Common gaslighting phrase

In an accompanying video, she explained: "Here's a gaslighting phrase from a narcissist that you may be unfamiliar with, but I must have heard thousands of times in my marriage to my ex husband, who is a covert narcissist.

"And this was, 'I'm only joking'. He would say phrases like, 'You're so sensitive', and then follow it with, 'I'm only joking - you really can't take a joke, can you?' 'Oh, come on, don't be so dramatic'.

"And then, 'I'm only joking'. This isn't just a joke, it's gaslighting.

"Narcissists use phrases like, 'I'm only joking' to undermine you, to make you doubt yourself and downplay how hurtful those words are.

"When someone constantly says, 'I'm only joking' after tearing your down, they're trying to make out like you're the problem.

"It's subtle but extremely powerful, and over time, you start questioning, 'Am I too sensitive? Am I overreacting?'.

"Remember, jokes don't hurt. Real jokes don't leave you feeling less than or questioning yourself. If you felt this way, it's not in your head, it's gaslighting. It's a form of emotional abuse that chips away at your confidence.

"Trust your feelings - if someone constantly says, 'I'm only joking', but it doesn't feel like a joke, listen to that feeling.

"You deserve to be respected, not belittled."