Expert shares four reasons why women can't climax with their partner
Topics: Sex and Relationships
Rhianna Benson
Featured Image Credit: ChristopherBernard/PhotoAlto/Frederic Cirou/Getty Images
Topics: Sex and Relationships
The female orgasm has remained an intricate and complex phenomena for both men and women since the dawn of time.
In fact, a study has found that an eyebrow-raising 58 percent of women say stress and anxiety is the reason why they don't orgasm with their partner.
A huge proportion of these women claim, however, that they have a cracking time when they're solo, with many crediting the intervention of a vibrator or sex toy, being that vibration is proven to be one of the most effective means of stimulating the clitoris.
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They insist, however, that attempting to achieve climax with their sexual partner is a whole different - and largely disappointing - kettle of fish.
Tracey Cox - dating, sex and relationship columnist - is therefore attempting to take down four most common explanations as to why you might be struggling to orgasm with your partner.
Apparently, the No. 1 reason is because of the woman's inability to relax with their partner.
"Some women are shy sexually," she explains. "Others find it hard to relax during sex because they're worried how they're looking and how they're performing. If you spend every session 'spectatoring' (watching yourself critically), it's unlikely to be fun or satisfying."
Tracey adds that some women are sexually confident but don't like losing control, while others suffer trust issues with the partner, and therefore can't relax during intimacy.
She advises women to practise 'mindful sex' in order to 'free your mind' and 'stop your brain wandering off into damaging thoughts'.
"Be present in the moment. Make eye contact with your partner, look at their body, tell them how good what they're doing feels. The more active in bed you are, the less likely you are to go down the rabbit hole of anxiety."
Feeling pressured into orgasming is also on the list, with Tracey explaining: "The more insecure the man, the more important it will be that you orgasm.
"Giving you an orgasm is a testament to his manhood: a stamp of approval that he's a good lover, he knows what he's doing."
You can apparently fix this issue by 'losing yourself'.
"Sex is about feelings and sensations, not about thought," Tracey explained. "Tackle this one by first loading on the sexual compliments for things he does get right (I love how you look at me/kiss me/touch my breasts etc).
"Once you've boosted his confidence, sit him down for a chat. Say, 'Look, I really like/love you, but you need to move away from measuring the success of our sex by whether I've orgasmed or not.' Tell him the female orgasm isn't like his."
It sounds obvious to say, but ineffective stimulation from your partner is bound to be a mood-killer in the bedroom.
"Some women aren't confident enough to speak up when this happens. We don't want to hurt his feelings by saying it's not working. Lots of women put up with low satisfaction from sex for years before finally plucking up the courage to say, 'Hey. Can I ask you to do that this way instead?'."
And it turns out you can fix it by doing just that.
"Simply say, 'Do you know what? I normally love the way you give me oral sex/touch me with your fingers but something feels different. It must be having a baby/feeling stressed/going through perimenopause/being worried about the kids. Can you try doing this instead and see what happens?
"Of course, you need to know what technique does work for you to do this. If you've never been able to orgasm, start by using a vibrator so you have an idea what you're aiming for."
Finally, worrying about NOT achieving an orgasm can actually be a reason why you're prevented from having one.
Tracey advises women to try 'consciously letting all negative thoughts go', adding: "The more zen you can be about the experience, the more chance you have of having regular orgasms".
She also encourages women to 'just go along for the ride' when having sex instead of focussing on whether you'll orgasm, and when masturbating, 'tell yourself you're not allowed to have an orgasm, that this session is strictly for 'research' purposes'.