Sex surrogate reveals what really happens during intimate ‘sessions’ as Virgin Island raises questions
In the UK, around one in eight adults aged 26 have never had sex.
The figure - which is reported to be on the rise - means that just over 12 per cent of 26-year-olds are still virgins.
It's a subject that's been flung into the living rooms of the British public over the last few weeks, thanks to the new Channel 4 reality show, Virgin Island.
Some viewers were hooked, while other self-confessed 'prudes' struggled to sit through episode one.
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But love it or loathe it, the show certainly opened up a conversation - and a curiosity - among viewers.
In case you haven't seen it, Virgin Island invited 12 adults who had never had sex to a luxury retreat in Croatia, to work on their issues surrounding intimacy.
The show also featured a number of experts and therapists, including 'sexual surrogate partners' - also referred to as 'surrogate partner therapy' - who work with clients to address intimacy issues. Part of this treatment includes sexual experiences, from touch, to oral sex and full intercourse.
While the show provided a snippet into the world of sexual surrogates, viewers were left wanting more.
What really happens during these sessions? How is it different from sex work? And what happens if a client becomes attached to their surrogate?
One person asked on X: "Surrogate partner therapist? WTF. They actually have sex with them?"
While another added: "Virgin Island isn't actually that bad but I still can't get my head around an actual sex surrogate that then ultimately has sex with the client. It baffles me."
To find out more, I sat down with Kaly Miller - a sexual surrogate partner - to hear all about what really happens.
Kaly - who was approached for the show - tells me exactly what goes on in her sessions and what happened when one of her clients ended up proposing to her.
Physical touch
Kaly explains that the first step is to build trust and confidence with a client and to work on physical touch.
"If I am working with a male client who is a virgin, the only relationship he has had with sex is his hands, and the only relationship he has visually, is with pornography," she explains.
"He has learned how to respond to this is with a tight grip and fast movement. So when a client is introduced to my touch, they don't like it. Because my hands are not touching with the same strength, and they cannot relate to that. They have no control over what's happening.
"It's a long process of gradually exploring physical touch and by the time we get to genital touch nine out of 10 clients will initially experience numbness, loss of arousal, disconnection with their bodies, overthinking and/or premature ejaculation.
"It takes a lot of time focusing on the non-sexual sensation of touch, and then the client is taught how to explore sensual and erotic touch while learning to control that urge to ejaculate."
Getting naked
When it comes to intercourse and getting undressed, Kaly explains that building up trust and confidence is key.
"The second you feel safe, there is something that shifts in confidence and the trust you have for the person in front of you," Kaly continues.
"How do you get naked? It's so bespoke to each individual client. Some have a hard time asking for what they want, because psychologically they think they are not worthy of love.
"We play a game of 'Simon Says'. I give them the power to use their voice in a playful way and it helps them figure out what they want."
Kaly also uses The Wheel of Consent, which is fundamental in bodywork.
"We use the three-minute game, which explores touch in four different styles - giving, receiving, taking and allowing," she explains.
"So I will ask, 'how would you like to be touched for three minutes?' For three minutes, I do exactly what they ask.
"Then we'll change it to 'taking and allowing' where I will tell the client what I want. So for example, I would tell them that for the next three minutes I would like them to caress my head and shoulders. Then, I would ask the client how that feels for them.
"At some point, they could say 'I would like you to touch my back and I would like to lie down'. I would then ask if they want to be touched with their jumper on or off.
"Progressively, this is taken in turns to develop skin-on-skin contact."
Oral sex and misconceptions
"We also explore oral - after all, I'm educating men to become lovers," says Kaly.
"That is even weirder for the client, it's soft, wet, it doesn't have the grip, and now they do not have a visual connection with their penis.
"Oral pleasure often brings confusion and intimacy fears. But there is more than meets the eye, our mouths are tied to primal connection and early emotional bonding, not just sex. This makes oral touch a powerful healing tool when approached mindfully."
Kaly explains that before intercourse takes place, the process is repeated, one step at a time.
"When it comes to actually having sex, the first thing we do is go into bumping and grinding with underwear on, so they know how to move their bodies," she explains.
"It's a beautiful thing... those guys have only ever watched porn. Sometimes a guy is six foot two, I'm five foot two and they say, 'can we try having sex standing up?' They just don't know the reality.
"So before the sex happens, there is a process of deprogramming the client, going from 'jerking off' to self pleasure."
Kaly works with clients suffering from wide ranging issues, from intimacy problems, to lack of confidence, erectile dysfunction, inability to orgasm and those battling with trauma.
With Kaly working with her clients for - on average - 10 sessions, it's not uncommon for clients to develop feelings.
"I love every single one of my clients," she explains.
"Emotions are part of the process, even when clients have fallen in love with me, I have made it clear that they are in love with the idea of the ideal woman that represents me, because I am the person supporting you through a very profound process.
"I've been proposed to, it's a beautiful thing.
"I have had a client who was more like a boyfriend than my partner was at the time. On Valentine's Day, he brought me flowers and cards and gifts, while my actual boyfriend told me Valentine's was bulls**t."
After watching Virgin Island, many viewers were left confused about the role of a sexual surrogate partner, and how it differs from sex work.
Kaly explains that it's one of the biggest misconceptions.
“I do not sell sex," she says.
"Surrogacy is about education through experiencing life. I do not wear lingerie, makeup, or high heels. I’m not performing for someone’s entertainment or pleasure.
"There’s no amount of money in the world that can buy the experience of connection, acceptance, belonging, understanding, and self-love. That’s what surrogacy is about.
“I’m not at a client’s service; I am in service to them."
Kaly explains that her rates begin at £250 per hour, adding that she works with one client per day.
"I never work with more than five male clients at once - 10 if you count couples and female clients. I actively work only 10–15 days a month in sessions. Otherwise, it can lead to emotional and sexual burnout," she says.
You can find out more about Kaly's work - including her sessions, workshops, masterclasses and events, via her website, The Naked Room, or her Instagram, where she is soon launching her own podcast.
Meanwhile, you can catch up on all episodes of Virgin Island over on Channel 4.
Topics: Sex and Relationships, Virgin Island, TV And Film, Entertainment
Lucy Devine