In 2020, actor Elliot Page told the world he was transgender, but it was four years earlier that the lightbulb went off in his mind for the first time following years of 'crushing' gender dysphoria.
Since coming out as transgender five years ago, the Umbrella Academy star has gotten candid about what his journey has been like, previously admitting he'd kept his true identity hidden for as long as he could remember.
He has recalled experiences stretching back to being as young as 10-years-old, including a time he cut his hair short and noticed people started calling 'bud', and when he felt 'such a thrill' after having to borrow a friend's speedos after forgetting his swimming costume.
But it was years later when the Juno star would realise that the discomfort he was feeling in his body was due to being transgender.
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In an excerpt from his 2023 memoir Pageboy which was published in TIME, the actor opened up about the moment he realised he was trans in the 'properly conscious sense', as well as another time he was 'so near' to acknowledging it.
The emotional moment came around his 30th birthday eight years ago, with the star explaining he'd outright asked a closed friend if they thought he was trans.
"They answered hesitantly, knowing no one can come to that conclusion for someone else, but they looked at me with a quiet recognition and said, 'I could see that...'"
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For Page, the comment 'was a light shining through from under the door' and solidified how he was feeling about his identity.
It would be another four years before Page decided to release a post on social media telling his fans he was transgender, as the prospect of coming out in a world where many people were still 'anti-trans' felt too daunting.
"It had taken a long time to allow any words to come out," Page wrote.
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But the actor also admitted there was another moment which had previously helped clear some of the mist on how he was feeling about his gender identity, but that it ultimately 'burned away'.
At the time, Page was hosting a small party, and went off with his friend Star to catch up.
"At my party, we sat together on an oversize chair, the splashes and music blending together in the background. We spoke about gender. I shared the degree of my discomfort, how even when I was playing a role, I couldn’t wear feminine clothes anymore.
"How I always struggled in the summer when layers were not an option and the presence of my breasts under my T-shirt forced me to incessantly crane my neck, sneaking quick peeks down. I would pull on my shirt, my posture folded.
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"Walking down the sidewalk, I’d glance at my profile in a store window, my brain consumed. I tried to avoid my reflection. I couldn’t look at pictures, because I was never there. It was making me sick.
"I didn’t want to be here. I wanted to be lifted out—the gender dysphoria slowly crushing me."
In response, Star asked Page whether he might be trans.
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Page went on: “'Yes, well, maybe. I think so. Yeah'. We exchanged a soft smile. I was so near, almost touching it. But I panicked, and it burned away like the joint I was smoking, becoming an old roach left to rot in a forgotten ashtray.
"It all felt too big - the thought of going through this publicly, in a culture that is so rife with transphobia and people with enormous power and platforms actively attacking the community."
If you’ve been affected by any of these issues and want to speak to someone in confidence, contact the LGBT Foundation on 0345 3 30 30 30, 10am–6pm Monday to Friday, or email [email protected]
Topics: Celebrity, Elliot Page,
Chloe Rowland