'Fantasy bonding' explained as psychologist shares warning over dating pattern
Topics: Sex and Relationships, Real Life, Mental Health, Advice
Rhianna Benson
Featured Image Credit: Getty Stock Images
Topics: Sex and Relationships, Real Life, Mental Health, Advice
We've all done it.
You've enjoyed a great first date with a potential match, and all of a sudden, you're imagining how they'll get on with your brother, picking out your kids' names and planning where you'll spend Christmas.
And while it might seem harmless to daydream about a potential new romance, psychologists and dating experts are raising awareness of the risks that come with 'fantasy bonding'.
The concept has been gaining attention on social media for some time, with online users admitting to mentally mapping out an entire future with someone they've only been on one or two dates with.
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The habit of falling in love with an idea of someone, rather than the real person, is more common than you might think.
In fact, it leaves countless love-hungry singletons feeling disappointed, heartbroken and emotionally invested in a relationship that never really existed.
"Every time I date a guy, I always start daydreaming about potential conversations we have," one Reddit user recently confessed. "Ones where we're laughing or bonding, or me opening up about stuff, or scenarios where we're intimate together, or what it would be like if we lived together."
Another recalled their own experience, adding: "YES!!!! THIS!!!!! THIS SUCKS, AND I CAN'T STOP DOING IT!!!!!"
A third gushed: "You described it perfectly in words!!!!!"
It's behaviour that psychologist Dannii Haig says could sabotage your dating life permanently if not squashed soon.
"Fantasy bonding is when we build an emotional attachment to an imagined version of someone rather than the person actually in front of us," she explained to Tyla.
"After a first date, or sometimes just a few messages, the mind starts running scenarios such as conversations we haven't had, holidays we haven't taken, a relationship that doesn't yet exist. It feels like connection, but it's connection to a projection."
So, basically, it's your brain filling in the blanks before any romance has even had the chance to unfold.
According to Haig, fantasy bonding occurs as a result of the way our brains are wired, in that we're always trying to predict what's next.
"The brain is a prediction machine, and when we meet someone promising, it fills the gaps in what we don't know with what we hope," she said. "It's a form of emotional rehearsal, and for people who feel anxious or lonely, the fantasy can be soothing in a way that real, uncertain dating isn't.
"The imagined relationship is safe because we control the script."
HCPC-registered counselling psychologist Dr Candice O'Neil agrees, explaining that the habit can act as a psychological defence mechanism against both loneliness and vulnerability.
"It involves becoming attached to the potential of a relationship, creating the illusion of safety and security," she told us. "Paradoxically, this does not foster genuine intimacy or secure attachment.
"Instead, it can protect people from feelings of loneliness, vulnerability and emotional isolation."
While imagining a happy future with someone isn't necessarily a bad thing, problems arise when expectations race ahead of reality and hone in on one particular person, who'll almost certainly fail to live up to their idealised version.
"The real person will inevitably fall short of the version we've written for them, through no fault of their own," Dr O'Neil continued. "We arrive at date two already disappointed, or grieving a relationship that only ever existed in our heads.
"It raises expectations to a level no human being can meet, and it keeps us relating to our imagination rather than genuinely getting to know someone."
That isn't to say it's anyone's fault, however.
As hypnotherapist, psychologist and Thought Reader founder Phil Macleod emphasised, fantasy bonding often begins innocently.
"It can be normal for our minds to imagine future conversations, shared experiences or what life together might look like, particularly when it's an exciting time, and there are hopes and dreams for the relationship," he told us.
It's when these imagined scenarios become too emotionally intense, however, that they can create 'a sense of closeness that has not yet played out in the real world'.
"This can unintentionally set expectations unrealistically high because, on a subconscious level, we've already started emotionally investing in a relationship that exists more in our imagination than in reality," Macleod continued.
"On a psychological level, this can lead to one person feeling emotionally invested far sooner than the other, making the early stages of the relationship feel confusing and often resulting in feelings of disappointment.
"In reality, it might not be the other person's fault that they, or the relationship itself, simply don't live up to your fantasy."
Dr O'Neil says many people joke about planning their wedding after a successful first date, but constantly projecting into the future can make dating harder than it needs to be; as such, we need to keep a clear focus on incompatibility and emotional unavailability.
"Over time, this can contribute to repeated disappointment, prolonged heartbreak and difficulty building healthy, reciprocal relationships," she went on.
So, as opposed to rushing ahead mentally, our trio of experts recommend staying present in the moment and allowing relationships to develop naturally.
"As a psychologist, I encourage people to honour their authentic emotions whilst also becoming curious about their intensity and origins," Dr O'Neil said. "If this pattern feels familiar, it is worth exploring what those feelings represent.
"Healthy relationships develop gradually. Trust, emotional safety and intimacy are built through consistency, mutual care and shared experiences, allowing genuine connection to unfold naturally."
Echoing this advice, Macleod added that staying curious about the person sitting in front of you on a date gives a relationship the best chance to grow.
"Allowing the relationship to develop at its own pace and staying curious about who the other person really is can ultimately help keep expectations grounded," he concluded.