Sexpert issues important advice to any woman who has ever faked an orgasm
If you've ever faked an orgasm, you're far from alone.
Whether it was to avoid an awkward conversation, protect a partner's feelings or simply bring sex to an end, many women have found themselves putting on a performance between the sheets at some point in their lives.
In fact, women not climaxing while their male partners do is such a common phenomenon that there's even a name for it: the orgasm gap.
According to one sex expert, there's one thing every woman who has ever faked an orgasm needs to know, and, first and foremost, it starts with ditching the shame.
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Speaking exclusively to Tyla, sexologist and relationship expert Dr Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, author of How Do You Like It?: A Guide for Getting What You Want (in Bed), said women shouldn't beat themselves up over it.
"There's no shame in that," she explained. "I've done it because I wanted it to end, or I wanted my partner to feel good."
According to Dr Tara, faking an orgasm often comes from a combination of insecurity and people-pleasing behaviour rather than dishonesty.
"It's always out of both insecurity but also people pleasing," she said.
The expert pointed out that many women are socialised from a young age to prioritise other people's comfort and happiness, which can easily spill over into their sex lives.
"We're taught to be nice, to take care of everyone, to be accommodating," she explained.
"So of course we're accommodating in sex if we're taught to be accommodating in life."
However, while she believes women shouldn't feel guilty about having done it in the past, she warns that repeatedly faking pleasure can create bigger problems down the line.
Dr Tara refers to this as a 'negative sexual response loop'.
"The more loudly you pretend to orgasm, your partner thinks, 'Oh, that way is a way to give you pleasure'," she explained.
The problem is that your partner then repeats the same behaviour, believing it's working, while you're left feeling increasingly dissatisfied.
"It predicts long-term sexual dissatisfaction and breakup and divorce," she added.
So what should women do instead?
According to Dr Tara, the first step is learning what actually brings them pleasure.
"If you haven't already, start self-pleasuring," she said.
The sexologist recommends masturbation as a way of understanding your own body, preferences and responses before expecting a partner to instinctively know what works for you.
"Learn your body. Learn how you get an orgasm by yourself first."
She also encourages women to become more active participants during sex rather than feeling responsible for protecting a partner's ego.
"You don't always have to 100 per cent rely on your partner to give you pleasure," she explained.
"You can be an active participant, and that can be very empowering."
For some people, that might mean introducing toys, asking for more clitoral stimulation, or simply being more vocal about what feels good.
The trickier part, of course, is having the conversation if you've been faking orgasms for a long time.
Dr Tara advises against sitting a partner down and bluntly announcing you've never climaxed with them.
While honesty is important, it's the delivery that matters.
"One thing that can really knock down your partner's sexual self-esteem is saying, 'I've never had an orgasm with you'," she explained.
Instead, she recommends focusing on future solutions rather than dwelling on the past.
"Say positive things about your sexual connection first," she suggested, then introduce new ideas in a collaborative way.
Something like 'Next time we should try a vibrator on my clitoris' works as an example.
Rather than critiquing what's already happened, Dr Tara believes couples should focus on what they can explore moving forward.
"Look to the future and suggest things that will give you an orgasm," she said.
Faking an orgasm once doesn't make you a bad partner, Dr Tara assures, but continuing to fake it without addressing the issue, however, could leave both of you missing out on the kind of sex you actually want.
Topics: Sex and Relationships, Life, Women's Health, Advice, Tyla Exclusive
Rhiannon Ingle