'Puffer-fishing' explained as you may be guilty of this problematic dating trend without even knowing it

It seems like there's an infinite conveyor belt of zany new dating term buzzwords, with the latest being 'puffer-fishing'.

We already know all about 'seagulling', 'storybooking', 'shrekking', the dreaded 'swag gap' discourse and, of course, the horror of 'low-vibrational' boyfriends, but what on earth is 'puffer-fishing' and why are so many of us guilty of partaking in the dating trend without even knowing we're doing it?

Now, for anyone who needs their animal knowledge refreshed, pufferfish are a family of fish best known for their unique ability to inflate into a ball shape, often covered in spines, to evade predators.

But what's this all got to do with the weird and wonderful world of romance?

What is 'puffer-fishing' and have you been doing it without even realising? (aries / Getty Stock Images)

Well, Lisa Chen, LMFT, relationship expert and founder of Lisa Chen & Associates, a group boutique practice specialising in relationships, tells Vice: "'Puffer-fishing' is essentially emotional self-protection masked as avoidance, chaos, or mixed signals.

"This is a common occurrence with those who are avoidantly attached. Avoidantly attached individuals desire connection, but their nervous system starts to interpret intimacy as pressure or a loss of control."

Chen continued: "As a result, the person responds and 'puffs up' by becoming unavailable, critical, or confusing to regain some space from the relationship and a sense of control."

Instead of being an intentionally harmful behaviour, 'puffer-fishing' is more of a defence mechanism some individuals use to protect themselves from future heartbreak.

'Puffer-fishing' is essentially emotional self-protection masked as avoidance (Getty Stock Images)

"I often see this with my clients who are emotionally guarded, most often avoidantly attached," Chen carried on. "They want connection, but have long associated intimacy as unsafe and, as a result, self-sabotage the very thing they were hoping for, a relationship with another person."

While 'puffer-fishing' may serve you well in the short-term by keeping you 'safe', it may do you quite a lot of harm in the future by getting in the way of genuine connections.

"Healthy dating requires tolerating ambiguity and releasing a sense of control," says Chen. "Instead of withdrawing when someone starts to become closer, it’s more effective to notice the fearful part of you that is reacting to the intimacy and then communicating honestly about it."

While this may not be the easiest feat in the world, the expert highlights the importance of owning your more vulnerable side when it comes to being in a proper, functioning relationship.

"In my work, I see that real intimacy isn’t destroyed by vulnerability, but defences against vulnerability," Chen resolves.

Noted.

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