Relationship expert issues brutal warning over ‘Shrekking’ dating trend
Unless you've been living under a rock for the past week or so, you'll know doubt have seen a whole load of buzz around a brand-new dating trend known as 'Shrekking'.
With 'cuffing season' set to commence imminently, it's no wonder so many singletons out there are keen to settle down.
However, many who have found themselves unlucky in love have opted for a more extreme strategy in bagging their future beau with this whole 'Shrekking' fiasco - something you really want to avoid, according to a relationship expert who has now issued a warning over the very toxic dating trend seemingly taking over Gen Z.
Now, if you couldn't have already guessed, the term takes inspiration from the unlikely romance between ogre Shrek and Princess Fiona in the beloved animated franchise and, despite the crafty name, there's a bunch of reasons why you really shouldn't be 'Shrekking' anyone you're trying to date.
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What is 'Shrekking'?
Well, in short, Hayley tells Tyla that Shrekking is deliberately choosing to 'date down' in the looks department, in the hope that your new, less attractive partner will treat you better.
"This applies the crude metric that if dating people you're really attracted to hasn't worked, that if you date someone you're not that attracted to, that they'll be more appreciative of the relationship," she adds.
"Whilst being flexible on your type can be a good thing, hoping that someone you find less attractive will be grateful for their chance to date you, feels like a stretch."
How ethical is 'Shrekking'?
Hayley explains that, if you've been single for a while, it's normal to consider how you can shake up your dating life to get different results.
She continued: "As a dating coach, I'll always encourage people not to get too hung up on a type, and not to put everything on an instant spark. However, the ethical snag with dating is that you're hoping that someone will treat you differently, as you perceive them to be less attractive than you."
So, the expert notes, rather than genuinely reprioritising traits other than looks, you're instead judging people by who you consider to be the most conventionally attractive.
Why is 'Shrekking' growing traction among Gen Z now?
"People opt for Shrekking because they're facing constant disappointment with dating," Hayley begins. "Gen Z may feel like they've been through the pattern of excitement and disappointment one too many times when they've met someone new, so are now taking radical action!"
She puts 'part of this' down to the all-too-relatable growing pains of dating in your 20s and early 30s, 'where you learn a lot of difficult lessons about what you need to prioritise in looking for a long-term partner',
"Dating is also tough; people are often reliant on dating apps, feeling socially anxious in person, and dealing with a tsunami of flakiness. Against this backdrop, it's easy to understand why they're willing to try an extreme dating trend to get back on track," Hayley adds.
What to do if you get 'Shrekked'?
Even before it was called 'Shrekking' most people will have had the experience of giving someone they weren't that into a chance, only to be let down by their behaviour.
Hayley explains that this provides a 'double punch to your ego', carrying on: "You lowered your standards in the first place, then even someone you weren't that into, disappointed you. Ouch.
"This disappointment could be from the fact they didn't want to commit, or showed up in all the same (bad) ways as other people you've dated."
If this has happened to you, don't worry - you're not a magnet for bad relationships.
"However, you do need to rethink how you're choosing people," the expert goes on: "Choosing someone you're not attracted to because you hope they'll treat you better is just guesswork.
"Instead, slow your dating process right down and assume nothing! Get into a neutral mindset where, instead of trying to predict how a relationship will work, see how someone shows up for you day to day and open up gradually.
"What you'll probably find is that some people (regardless of their looks) will let you down, others will positively surprise you."
A 'Shrekking' warning
"Being flexible around your type can be a good thing," Hayley says. "However, if you're considering Shrekking, watch your mindset. If you're thinking anything along the lines of, 'well, they're not as attractive as me, so they should be grateful to be with me,' this is prioritising totally the wrong things, and setting your ego up for a fall!"
Instead, make the choice to think something along with lines of: "Beyond looks, there are lots of qualities that are more important to me in a partner, and I'm going to take my time choosing someone."
Hayley says that this is a much better space to operate from, concluding: "If you're on the other end of the spectrum, and are dating someone you find really attractive, but who isn't treating you well; remember not to give them any extra credit for their looks.
"It's not a choice: You can date someone you find attractive and who treats you well. A relationship without respect is also always on borrowed time.
So prioritise your self-esteem and say goodbye to relationships which don't feel equitable."
Got it.
Topics: Dating, Explained, Life, Sex and Relationships, Dating trends, Gen Z
Rhiannon Ingle