Harvard psychologist issues warning over phrases you’ll always hear toxic gaslighters using
In recent years, the term 'gaslighting' has really picked up momentum when it comes to describing nightmarish partners who seem to indulge in inflicting psychological abuse on their better halves.
The term 'gaslight' was originally coined back in 1938 in a play Gas Light, which was later adapted into a 1944 film Gaslight. The premise of both followed a man who tried to convince his wife that she was losing her mind by convincing her that the gaslights in their house are dimming - despite the fact they aren't.
This explains the root cause of what we now understand as gaslighting in relationships.
As defined by Merriam-Webster, gaslighting is: "Psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one's emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator."
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Understanding what it is is one thing, but understanding how to identify it can be a lot harder - especially since it revolves around making somebody doubt their reality.
Dr. Cortney Warren, a psychologist at Harvard, stepped in to break it down.
He identified the nine phrases commonly uttered by gaslighters for CNBC, and explained the best ways to respond in the instance you hear them.
"You're being crazy"
According to Dr. Warren, this is often dished out at the hands of a gaslighter.
He says: "Making direct comments that undermine your perspective or rationality is a common tactic."
Some ways to respond include urging your partner not to question your ability to think rationally, as well as stressing that two concepts of what is 'real' can co-exist.
"You're overreacting"
It's also common for gaslighters to accuse you of being dramatic in an attempt to undermine you.
A good way to respond according to Dr. Warren is to tell them: “I would appreciate it if you didn’t judge my feelings. They are mine and not up for debate.”
"I was just joking!"
According to Dr. Warren, this sentence is uttered to downplay their own nasty comments, and to make you feel as though you're overly sensitive to any criticism being thrown your way.
A good way to respond is to say: “It didn’t seem to me like you were joking, and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t talk to me that way.”
"You made me do it"
As per Dr. Warren, it's textbook for manipulators to issue a role reversal after they've done something unacceptable.
The psychologist recommends telling them that it isn't in your power to make them act in a specific way, and remind them that their behaviour solely reflects their own actions.
"If you loved me, you'd let me do what I want"
This is commonly used when you try to establish boundaries with a gaslighter, in an attempt to make you feel guilty.
A good way to respond could be: "I don’t feel comfortable doing this. I am telling, not asking, you to respect my boundaries.”
"I'm only telling you this because I love you"
Dr. Warren warns that gaslighters will often follow up rude comments with declarations of love in an attempt to stop you from trusting your gut.
When trying to establish boundaries, it's suggested that you try: "I appreciate that you love me, but I’m not okay with the way you’re talking to me.”
"This is all your fault"
Perhaps one of the most commonly proclaimed sentences from a gaslighter is that their actions are actually a result of your own inadequacy.
Dr. Warren suggests showing a willingness to take accountability, while urging them to do the same. For example: "I’m sure that I contribute to our relationship struggles in some ways, but so do you. We both have to be willing to change if we want to make this better."
"Everyone agrees with me — you’re just difficult."
This is often said in an attempt to make you feel as though you can't function without them, by having you believe that you're ultimately alone and they're the only person willing to deal with you.
As a response, it's suggested to try: “I would appreciate it if you speak for yourself, and not for other people.”
"The real problem is…"
It's common for gaslighters to attempt to sway the attention away from themselves and their own behaviours in an attempt to not be called out.
Dr. Warren says a good response to this is: “It seems like you don’t want to acknowledge how you’re contributing to the problem.”
Topics: Sex and Relationships, Mental Health
Kya Buller