‘Thorning’ explained as dating expert reveals the red flags you shouldn’t ignore
While you may have heard of terms like 'ghosting' and 'breadcrumbing', there's a way less well-known dating trend which any singleton should also be in the know about.
As we go further into the cosy months, many people have found themselves keen on hopping on board the 'cuffing season' trend - AKA locking down a romantic partner just in time for all the autumnal moments like pumpkin spice latte dates, Halloween and, of course, Christmas.
Known as 'thorning', anyone out there in the trenches dealing with an unavailable 'situationship' will no doubt know first-hand just how much of a pain the dating trend can be - especially when you're keen to settle down!
Speaking exclusively to Tyla, dating coach Hayley Quinn has shared all we need to know on the subject as well as sharing some 'thorning warnings' we should all be mindful of...
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What is 'thorning'?
Hayley explains to Tyla that 'thorning' is when someone gives you just enough attention to keep you emotionally hooked, without ever following through with actions that would build the relationship.
"An example is one day you have a flirtatious back-and-forth on message, get your hopes up that the other person is finally 'ready', only for them to let you down and never plan a date," she adds.
What are some red flag warning signs associated with 'thorning'?
The expert kindly broke this down into three key areas.
The first is that their interest is inconsistent.
"One week you're seeing each other three times, and you feel you're building momentum, only for them to disappear after that for several weeks," she notes.
The second 'red flag' is you feeling anxious, suspended between optimism that it will eventually work out, and feeling let down when the same pattern repeats itself.
And the third thing to look out for is if every time the relationship has the possibility to become more 'real', for example, planning a proper date or meeting their friends, there's a reason they let you down and cancel.
Why do people do this?
"Whilst this behaviour may appear malicious, people often aren't consciously toying with you," Hayley explains.
"Instead, they may tend to avoid intimacy, so as soon as the relationship feels more real, they pull back."
She also says that such individuals may also 'enjoy keeping the relationship's fantasy honeymoon period alive and fear that they'll let you down if things progress'.
"For others, it may simply mean they're not at the life stage of looking for a serious relationship, and how they interact with you reflects what they can offer the relationship," the expert outlines.
Thorning warnings
The dating coach assures that while there's nothing wrong with casual dating, it's important to make your intent known to the people you're seeing.
"Understand that building emotional and physical intimacy with another person quickly can be misinterpreted as an attempt to develop a committed relationship," she says.
"Get out ahead of the pass and offer up the fact you're looking for great connections but aren't at the stage in your life to commit to a relationship.
"This helps the other person to understand your intentions and make an informed choice about whether that works for them."
On the other hand, Hayley explains: "If you're on the receiving end of thorning, let go of the idea that if you 'do better' and try harder, you'll win the other person over.
"If your situationship with them is sustained by you overgiving, having poor boundaries and putting your own needs on the back burner, this is unsustainable."
She concludes: "Instead of seeing their behaviour as a sign you're not good enough, take it as an indication that they're not at the right life stage to have the relationship that you want."
Topics: Sex and Relationships, Dating, Dating trends, Life, Tyla Exclusive
Rhiannon Ingle