Neuroscientist reveals how to get over 'limerence' attachment
Topics: Sex and Relationships, Real Life, True Life
Rhianna Benson
Featured Image Credit: Getty Stock Images
Topics: Sex and Relationships, Real Life, True Life
Falling head over heels is a sensation many of us can only hope to experience at some point in our lives.
Forming a romantic infatuation with someone you know you shouldn't, however, is a different kettle of fish.
It could be falling in love with a friend's previous partner, a colleague at work, a toxic ex, or someone who has strung you along mercilessly for months as part of a weird non-committal situation-ship.
It could involve thinking about them so much you're unable to sleep at night, or worrying for them to such an extent you're unable to swallow your food.
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This unsettling state of mind is described as 'limerence', and no matter which forbidden lover it involves, it's a venomous place to be.
That's why so many relationship experts are raising awareness of the best means of releasing yourself from one of these destructive, often one-sided obsessions.
The term 'limerence' was coined in the 70s by psychologist Dorothy Tennov to describe extreme romantic obsession, which is often characterised by some wild highs and devastating lows.
Since then, neuroscientist Tom Bellamy has honed in on the condition, writing a whole book about it, titled Smitten: Romantic Obsession, the Neuroscience of Limerence and How to Make Love Last.
Giving NPR's Life Kit an insight into his thoughts ahead of the book's release, Bellamy explained: "Limerence is a state that many of us go into in the early stages of love: a profound romantic infatuation with another person.
"They give you an extraordinary natural high, so you feel a powerful desire to bond with that person."
What makes these instances different to forming natural bonds with like-minded people is that they're defined by a 'shift from happiness and euphoria into anxiety and craving', the expert added.
Bellamy experienced limerence first-hand over a colleague some years ago, when he'd been 'happily married' for 11 years.
"When that happened, I obviously had a bit of a problem to solve," he explained. "So that was when I started investigating it. Because of my background as a neuroscientist, my first thought was, what's going on in the brain? How can I make sense of this experience?"
There's a reason why infatuation with certain people is a 'bad thing', Bellamy added.
"People who are unreliable, unsuitable or incompatible to you for whatever reason," he continued. "Or people who you can't form a relationship with. Maybe the other person is already committed to somebody else, or they're giving you mixed messages.
"The key factor is uncertainty. If it's possible to form a healthy bond with your 'limerent object', then the limerence doesn't usually progress to the stage of 'person addiction'.
"But if there are barriers, uncertainty or either the limerent or limerent object is indecisive or gives mixed messages, then it drives the reward system into that state of addiction. If the romantic reward is unpredictable, the desire doesn't calm down; it escalates."
According to Bellamy, getting over a dangerous attachment to someone firstly takes recognising what's happened.
"You followed completely natural processes and urges that felt good, because falling in love with another person actually does feel fantastic if things go well," he explained. "But it's happened in a context that's not good for us."
Next is limiting contact with that forbidden individual.
"Look at the things that are within your control, like blocking them on social media, then try to reduce in-person contact as well," he emphasised.
Bellamy also emphasised the importance of consciously spoiling the 'rewards' you used to get from that person.
"So the idea with the daymare strategy is that you take a daydream you've had and turn it into a nightmare," the expert continued. "If you had a daydream about driving off into the sunset with them, change it. Maybe they suddenly shout, 'Stop the car! This is a terrible mistake!' And they run off, and you're left feeling foolish and ridiculous."
He added: "Sometimes it's not daydreams, it's actual memories. Anytime you start thinking about a positive memory of a time with them that was really good, force yourself to think about memories of terrible times.
"That way, you are flipping the script again to say, 'No, the reality is that they made me feel awful."
Bellamy also believes limerence is something we can learn from, no matter how painful it can prove to be.
"Have something positive to look forward to as you're going through this process," he urged. "Think about using the experience of a negative limerent episode as an opportunity to improve your life.
"Find new goals, new projects, new rewards that will give you a sense of purpose and meaning. Then it's a lot easier emotionally to feel like you can leave that limerence experience in the past."