Man in ‘lavender marriage’ explains why he won’t leave wife despite no sex life
A man in a 'lavender marriage' with his wife has explained why they have no intentions of calling it quits.
Marty Mar met his wife, Brandi, 42, in 2008 at a BBQ, and the pair developed a friendship, with Brandi being the first person he told about his sexuality.
However, when they fell in love, Marty, 45, assumed he was straight, which led them to start a relationship and later marry in 2011. They also welcomed a daughter, London.
During the coronavirus pandemic, he came to the realisation that he wasn't attracted to women and was gay after scrolling through queer TikTok, leading him to come out to her once again.
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Instead of ending things, however, the former couple decided to stay together in a 'lavender marriage', which Marty says has worked out great for them.
Marty, director of Technology Deployment, from Phoenix, Arizona, said: “She was the first woman I ever came out to, and instead of walking away, she doubled down on our love.
“She called me her gay husband, I met her family as a gay man, and somehow we just kept choosing each other. I came out as only being attracted to men, but I was drawn to her.
"I found myself attracted to her, and assumed I wasn't gay. We had kids, marriage, but then during Covid, I was scrolling through the queer side of TikTok and realised I was still gay.
“When I came out the second time, there was an adjustment period where she had to fall out of love with me in that way.”
They stopped having sex and 'moved into separate rooms and later separate floors' while co-parenting their daughter; however, Marty says this never stopped them from 'being a family'.
"People think marriage is about sex, but there are at least ten different kinds of intimacy," he said. "We have a home, a daughter, investments, shared history – she’s my person and my emergency contact."
Amidst this big change, Marty says their teenage daughter has been 'incredibly supportive', adding: "We didn’t want her world to fall apart. She’s grown up seeing her parents sleep in different rooms but still show up together every day."
Sadly, it hasn't been entirely harmonious as he also said that some don't understand their decision, which he said 'hurt'.
"But most people who really know us envy what we have, because our relationship is solid and full of respect," he continued.
As for what the future holds, he and Brandi are looking to build a house where their separate spaces can 'interlink', and while the pair are open to dating others, so far they haven't rushed into anything.
"When you’ve been together 17 years, dating isn’t a yearning, it’s something you have to prioritise," he said. “You have to make space for it properly, which isn’t easy with jobs, a teenager and businesses.”
"For the first time in my life, I love who I am," he added. "My family matters more to me than running around looking for sex, and if I’m showing people a new way to live, that feels incredible."
What is a lavender marriage?
A 'lavender marriage' is a union between a man and woman, with either or both partners being gay or bisexual.
As for why people may choose to partake in a 'lavender marriage', the reasoning can be societal pressures, lack of acceptance of their true selves, or evading judgment by appearing heterosexual.
It has recently become a trend on social media to not necessarily be the marriage of two people of differing sexual orientations, but just not hiding who you are.
However, this may cause possible conflicts further down the line, according to dating experts.
Topics: Sex and Relationships, LGBTQ,
Britt Jones