‘Lavender marriage’ trend taking over Gen Z might be more sinister than you think

Dating experts, authors and coaches argue that finding love nowadays is more difficult than it’s ever been.

According to Paul Brunson, a global relationships insight expert for Tinder, this could be because modern daters have higher expectations of potential partners than their predecessors did.

The specialist claims this stems from our ability to research attachment styles online, understanding we don’t have to settle for less than we deserve and the ‘paradox of choice’ created by dating apps.

Is it any wonder, then, that a horde of social media users are shunning modern dating practices and are instead pining for a platonic partner to spend their life with?

Of course, the idea of marrying someone you’re friends with, rather than being in love with, isn’t a new concept.

Marriage.com defines these as platonic marriages— ones which involve two people sharing a close bond but not indulging in any sexual activity.

This is extremely similar to a lavender marriage, which has steadily been rising in popularity over the last few months.

In the past, a lavender marriage was reserved for the LGBTQ+ community.

It saw queer people saying ‘I do’ to someone of the opposite sex as a way to keep a ‘low profile’, according to Channa Bromley, founder of the Metamorphosis Relationship Coaching Institute (MRCI).

"Lavender marriages have been around for decades, originally as a way to keep a low profile — especially for people hiding their sexual orientation in eras and industries where being 'out' wasn't an option,” she told Mashable.

Anne-Marie Zanzal, a questioning sexuality/coming out coach, has said that celebrities and normal people alike entered these relationships in the past so they could ‘protect themselves from persecution and stigmatization’.

“People who were married were perceived to be more stable and, of course, straight,” she told Betches.

So, for people who didn’t want their sexuality to limit their career, a lavender marriage was often the perfect answer.

But now, Gen-Z has redefined the term into something that’s no longer about hiding who you are.

"Gen Z is rejecting the standard marriage blueprint, focusing instead on shared goals: financial security, reliable companionship, and a partner who's down to weather life's ups and downs without necessarily being 'the one,'” says Bromley.

“In a world where the romance script doesn't fit everyone's story, these modern lavender marriages are a radical way of rethinking relationships — less about the fairytale, more about building a stable, sustainable life with someone who gets it.”

Author and dating expert Joe Kort has also said that some women are choosing to enter lavender marriages because they feel ‘safer’ being with homosexual men.

He claims some females believe gay men ‘treat women with more respect, friendship, and equality’ than their heterosexual counterparts.

Marrying someone for companionship offers more practical advantages, including sharing living costs, building a reliable support system, and for some, tax benefits, as per a popular Reddit thread.

And while these things may seem good on the surface - especially if you’re in dire need of a rent split - being involved in a lavender marriage could spell some nasty consequences.

You run the risk of being emotionally vulnerable and potentially falling in love with your platonic partner if you fail to put clear boundaries in place.

Business Insider reports that the rules of a lavender marriage may also be vague, meaning there could be the potential for conflict later down the line.

Similarly, things and feelings may change down the line, explained Christine DeVore, a licensed clinical psychologist and the director of adult and couples services at Birch Psychology.

“While a lavender marriage may offer certain advantages, it does not guarantee a lifetime of happiness and fulfilment.

"It's important to remember that no relationship, including a lavender marriage, is immune to heartache," she added.

Similarly, Jamie Evan Bichelman, a psychologist who focuses on human sexuality, said those who think a ‘sham marriage’ could be their lifeline to make rent come from a ‘jaded, hopeless, disenfranchised generation of individuals’.

So, if you’re thinking about embarking on a lavender marriage, be sure to weigh up the pros and cons before diving in.