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Topics: Sex and Relationships, Life, Real Life, True Life
Rhianna Benson
Topics: Sex and Relationships, Life, Real Life, True Life
When it comes to legally citing the reason behind a divorce, many couples rely on the age-old term 'irreconcilable differences'.
It's mysterious, it's aloof, and more importantly, it allows for a 'no fault' split, meaning both parties can usually escape the marriage whilst keeping their reputation largely unscathed.
What lawyers, judges, counsellors and estate agents rarely hear, however - at least, explicitly - is that a once-lovingly married couple went their separate ways due to major problems between the sheets.
Apparently, however, sex-based splits are much more common than one might expect.
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At least, that's what a number of Reddit users have claimed in a tell-all discussion group, with some even going on to detail exactly how often they and their ex were getting intimate before they called it a day.
The responses came after one user asked: "Hi ladies, would love to know what your sex life was like in the year before you divorced your partner?
"How often were you having sex and was this a contributing factor in the divorce?"
One woman claimed she'd endured 'years' of loneliness before finally filing for divorce.
"He was having trouble in that area and blamed me," she went on to explain. "Apparently he still has that issue and it isn’t me. lol."
A second, separated user went on to detail how exactly her relationship broke down, adding: "I had lost most sexual attraction to him at that point, although I still enjoyed sex and was willing, I had quit initiating and wasn’t particularly interested.
"It was really one of the breaking points for me because his attitude towards sex became much clearer that he considered it to be a chore and a duty for me to perform for his benefit. I believe sex should be mutual."
A third claimed her marriage hit rock bottom after a year of no sex, adding: "I didn't sleep with my ex for over a year before we separated. Not because I wasn't willing. He wasn't.
"He also was like a dead fish in bed; no noises, no interactions, expected me to give and him to take. It wasn't equitable."
A fourth divorcée recalled: "When the ex would say, 'Are we ever having sex again?'. This was his foreplay. The last time we had sex prior to filing was 7-months, and in the state that I filed, you needed 90-days sex free before moving forward with the divorce."
A fifth singleton claimed she and her other-half 'stopped completely one month before he walked out'.
"I like sex very much and it was the last remaining thing keeping me tied to him," she explained. "It was the only time I ever felt close to him, even if it was a lie. I had to consciously decide not to be intimate, which was hard.
"I thought the time apart physically while in the same house would allow us a chance to repair the other aspects of the relationship but it got worse so I had to just let it go."
A sixth revealed she was dealt a divorce after a 'year and a half' sex-free.
"I just stopped being attracted to him, for a whole host of reasons," she continued.
He retaliated by serving me papers out of the blue. I truly believed at the time I would never have sex again but thankfully that has not been the case."
Despite these testimonies very much attesting to the notion that once sex has been absent in a relationship from a prolonged period of time, it's game over, one psychotherapist believes there can sometimes be a way back.
Katherine Cavallo, who specialises in sex and relationships for the UK Council for Psychotherapy, told Stylist recently: "Many couples go through periods when sex isn't happening, and this can understandably trigger anxiety or alarm.
"However, a reduction or pause in sex alone is rarely a reliable predictor of divorce."
Cavallo went on to insist that context is key in these situations.
"Sexless periods within an otherwise emotionally connected relationship are common and often temporary.
"Risk increases when reduced sex becomes part of a wider pattern of emotional distance, unspoken resentment or an ability to talk safely about needs and feelings."