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Topics: Health, Sex and Relationships, Advice, News
Ella Scott
Topics: Health, Sex and Relationships, Advice, News
Every relationship is utterly unique, meaning there’s really no normal amount of sex that you and your significant other ‘should’ be having.
Despite this, there is still an ‘average amount’, with men’s wellness and care company Hims claiming couples have sex 53 times per year on average, or just over once per week.
If you and your partner are well under this and have found yourself disinterested in getting it on recently, then it could be because you and your sexual companion tend to follow the same script.
For many people, intimacy moves in a ‘straight, linear progression’.
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This means you and your partner may kick things off by kissing before moving on to foreplay, penetration, and eventually climax.
By following this cookie-cutter recipe for intimacy, you’re ‘riding all the way to the top’ of the escalator every time, even if you’re not turned on, according to sex and intimacy coach Hannah Johnson.
The expert has called this the ‘escalator theory’, telling Metro that it could seriously be putting the brakes on your sex life.
According to Johnson, the escalator theory ‘prioritises penetration and completion of a script over genuine connection and creativity in the bedroom’.
“Desire is motivated by how much satisfaction comes from an experience and how much you’re predicting the next one will create.
“Eventually, the body learns: this isn’t that pleasurable for me, so it stops getting excited in the first place.”
This may lead to the ideology that sex is somewhat of a chore, and that if you deviate from the script, then things could become awkward or feel ‘wrong’.
But Johnson wants couples to embrace the idea that not all sex has to include penetration.
Instead of ‘riding the escalator’ with your partner a few times per week, she wants people to go with the flow and do what feels good.
For example, this may be an oral sex session or a make-out moment with touching that doesn’t result in penetration.
Other actions include role play, play wrestling, dirty talk, tickling, massage, and eye gazing, according to Johnson.
The relationship guru calls this ‘playing pinball’.
Making a case for swapping the escalator for the pinball, Johnson said: “Pinball naturally decentres penetration and puts pleasure back at the centre.
“It reduces pressure and expectation for performance or for things to go perfectly, and keeps you in the moment instead of zoning out on autopilot.
“This is how you create a fun and vibrant sex life.”
According to WebMD, there are other ways you can improve your bedroom experience, including exercise, which may improve your self-esteem and make you feel sexier.
Affection also shouldn’t be overlooked, and neither should talking to a professional, such as a sex therapist, about your issues.
“A sex therapist can help reduce your fear of talking about sex; then you can communicate your sexual desires to one another,” Tavistock Relationships stated.
The company added that a licensed professional can ‘offer advice and support to help you navigate the significant changes in life without losing the warmth and containment of genuine intimacy’.