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Topics: Sex and Relationships, Life
Rhiannon Ingle
Topics: Sex and Relationships, Life
One doctor has revealed the four behaviours that signal your marriage is heading for divorce.
Dr John Gottman, an American psychologist and professor, has shared the four major warning signs to look out for that may indicate your relationship is on the rocks.
Working alongside his team at the Gottman Institute, the doc has dubbed these four things 'The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse'...
Up first on the rundown is criticism, which is defined as 'stating one’s complaints as a defect in one’s partner’s personality, i.e. giving the partner negative trait attributions'.
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An example of this may be a sentence such as: "You always talk about yourself. You are so selfish."
Criticism is about holding your partner in a negative light without really giving them the benefit of the doubt, which often causes the couple to fall into an escalating pattern where criticism crops up more and more with greater frequency and intensity.
Next is the dreaded contempt, which is the feeling that a person or a thing is worthless or beneath consideration - AKA - the last thing you want to be feeling in a marriage or any relationship for that matter.
Contempt is the greatest predictor of divorce, and Gottman says it 'must be eliminated' for a marriage to make it in the long run.
Phrases like 'you’re an idiot' coming from a relative position of superiority could be a red flag to be wary of, according to the doctor.
In short, any kind of hostile humour - whether that's name-calling, mimicking, and body language including as eye-rolling and sneering - is extremely detrimental to a relationship because it conveys disgust and superiority.
Third on the list is defensiveness which is defined as self-protection 'in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victim-hood'.
Defensiveness could be an attempt to 'ward off a perceived attack', with one example being: "It’s not my fault that we’re always late; it’s your fault."
When a partner is defensive, they may often shift the blame instead of attempting to understand their partner's feelings or concerns.
It also leads to conversations being turned into contests over who is in the right, rather than finding a way to relate to one another and navigate the issue as a unit together.
And last but by no means least is stonewalling.
Stonewalling refers to the emotional withdrawal from interaction which becomes an issue when the listener does not give the speaker the typical nonverbal signals that they are actively engaging with the speaker.
Partners who are stonewalled often feel demeaned or abused and may even start to question their self-worth as, commonly, shutting someone out often escalates the very situation it was meant to avert.
Stonewalling, a lot of time, either forces a confrontation or frustrations ending up building to a point where regrettable things are said or done.
Of course, it is best to communicate with your spouse before issues escalate or to see a professional for help.