A supposedly ‘perfect’ boyfriend has sparked outrage after telling his partner she ‘needs to lose weight’, having even implemented a number of changes to her diet.
Every relationship is different, which means what works for one couple might not be so ideal for another.
But while it can be hard to follow a one-size-fits-all approach, there are often certain behaviours that can get alarm bells ringing – as is exactly what happened when one woman recently wrote in to an advice column.
Writing to British Vogue agony aunt Eva Wiseman, the woman explained she’d been with her partner for just over a year, but that since moving in together a few months back, she’d noticed one of his habits had started to ‘bother’ her.
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“I’m in a relationship that is about 90 percent perfect,” she began.
“We’ve been seeing each other for a year and a half, living together for three months. Since moving in together, he’s developed a habit that’s started to bother me.”
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The woman said she was a clothes size 8-10, which is ‘slim by anyone’s standards’, but that her boyfriend will ‘regularly suggest improvements’ she could make to her body, such as exercises to lift her bum, or ‘slim’ her upper arms.
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“It was his idea for me to adapt my diet recently, giving up bread and sugar to avoid bloating,” she continued.
“At first I appreciated his concern, as it seemed like he cared about my health, but recently it’s started to make me feel really bad about myself, as he’s made it clear he only finds me attractive when I am thinner.
“A couple of times he’s said how I’d benefit from a chin tuck.”
The woman said they’d been ‘talking about having a baby’, but she worried he will be ‘disgusted’ by the way her body will change.
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“Why is he staying with me if he doesn’t fancy me?” she asked.
Reacting to her predicament on Twitter, many users were fuming on her behalf.
“Oh Lordy: big red flag for a controlling relationship,” one wrote, with another commenting: “He is the only weight she needs to lose.”
A third said: “Nope nope nope. A well worn path of work of reducing a partner’s self confidence all the better to control and abuse them. Run and don’t look back.”
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A fourth added: “She also said she was a UK size 8-10. Who the HELL is this guy??”
Indeed, in Wiseman’s expert response, she said she didn’t ‘like this at all’, stressing that the role of a partner is to ‘support, enjoy, collaborate with and adore you’.
“There is an argument to be made for a relationship that does propel you to change, even for a partner to help you eat and exercise more consciously, but I don’t think it includes somebody nagging at you to lose weight for his pleasure,” she wrote, advising her to have an honest conversation with her boyfriend to explain how it makes her feel about herself, her relationship and her future.
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She said there is only one way the man should respond: 'a quietly mortified apology'.
“If you can’t have this conversation, or if he responds with anything deviating from the above, or if he responds with the above then continues to pick at your appearance, I think you need to consider leaving,” Wiseman said, adding that the ‘10 percent’ of the relationship that isn’t perfect is ‘like a bomb weighing down a vast balloon’.
“I think you’re asking the wrong question,” she concluded.
“Instead of wondering why this man is staying with you, ask yourself what it means that, after all this time, you’re still with him.”
Topics: Advice, Sex and Relationships
Jess Hardiman