Psychotherapist shares two simple ways you can spot a ‘dry drunk’

Warning: This article contains discussion of alcoholism which some readers may find distressing.

They say doing therapy is like getting a haircut; you should wait for people to notice the effects rather than tell them. Going through an emotional process, whether it's unpacking trauma or even battling an addiction, can take a lot of work.

But in some cases, leaving behind one toxic behaviour can look like leaning into other problematic areas. In the case of alcoholism, this is called a dry drunk. According to psychotherapist Victoria Valli (@veronicajvalli), who is an expert in emotional sobriety, a dry drunk is someone who may have given up alcohol but hasn't addressed their emotional issues.

Saying no to alcohol doesn't always mean interrogating other behaviours (Getty)

Victoria, who regularly shares advice and explanations to her 40,000-strong Instagram audience, says giving up alcohol without working on other behaviours can lead to dysfunctional behaviours like anger and control issues.

These individuals attempt to regulate their emotions through two methods; controlling others and situations, and through anger.

She tells the camera: "So just to recap, a dry drunk is somebody who had a problem with alcohol, stopped drinking, but didn't do any work on themselves, so they don't know how to emotionally regulate. They get really, really controlling. They try and control other people, circumstances, outcomes, and they get really, really angry if their plans don't work out. So they're trapped in this state of trying to exert control and getting angry, because what they're trying to control never works out the way they want it to. They believe if everything was controlled and everything was the way they wanted it to be, then they would feel better."

Emotional regulation is a key part of sobriety (Getty)

Victoria emphasises that true sobriety is not just about abstaining from alcohol but also about achieving emotional sobriety, which is the real challenge. She suggests that sobriety is 10% about not drinking and 90% about managing emotional regulation.

So what is emotional sobriety?

In another video, Victoria explains that we've 'outsourced the management of our emotions to alcohol', so when we feel stressed, upset, overwhelmed, lonely, disappointed or angry, we have a drink.

"So when you stop drinking, you have to learn the skill of self-regulation, and it's skill based, and that's what emotional sobriety is."

How can you do that then? She tells her audience that part of this is relinquishing control: "Letting go of control can feel really scary. Because of course, there is very little we can control in life. The only thing we can control is our response to events."

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