A man was left feeling betrayed by his wife after discovering that she had a huge stash of cash hidden away in a foreign bank account that he didn’t know anything about.
Finances are a huge cause of stress and anxiety, and this counts doubly in today’s world, as well being a leading cause of breakdown for relationships.
So, when you find out some disturbing financial news about someone you love, many would argue that you’re within your rights to feel betrayed.
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Writing into ‘Relationship Rehab’ - a feature on News.com.au - the Australian man sought some expert advice for his own problem.
He explained: “I recently found out my wife of 20 years - who was originally born overseas - has a bank account in her home country with about $70,000 AUD [around £35,000] in savings.
“The cash came from her own inheritance after her parents passed, and she insists she wants to use it on holidays we can enjoy together in the future, but I can’t help feeling uneasy about it because it was kept a secret for so long, because she never discussed her plans for the money with me and because as far as I know, I have no access to the money if something terrible were to suddenly happen to her.
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“Our incomes have always been communal money used for the whole family, and now I feel betrayed.”
He asked: “Do I just have to suck it up, or should that cash be shared?”
Well, it’s a tough one, but sexologist Isiah McKimmie tried to provide the man with some clarity.
“I can see why that feels like a betrayal to you,” the expert said.
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“Couples choose to share money in all kinds of ways.
“The real issue here isn’t how you decide to spend the money, but the lack of honesty in your relationship.
“I’m confused about why your wife would keep this a secret from you - as, I’m sure, are you. I can’t help but wonder what else is going on here.”
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The expert went on to explain that couples choose different approaches when it comes to finances, with some choosing to share everything, and others keeping some separation.
McKimmie added: “I know not everyone will agree with this, but I can absolutely understand people (especially women) keeping money of their own while in a relationship.”
In the end, her advice was to have an honest and open conversation about it, even if they choose to keep their money apart.
She asked the man: “Have you had open conversations about money?
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“Have you set financial goals together?
“Have either of you asked specific questions about assets and savings? How have financial decisions previously been made between you?
“While the answers to these questions are important, what matters in the short term is how you resolve feelings of betrayal and move forward.”
As for the betrayal, the sexologist suggested that the man should share how he feels with his wife, not ignoring his feelings and raising the issue so that a solution can be thought about.
McKimmie reiterated that listening and being willing to hear one another is key to a solution, too.
Then, acknowledging what went wrong and taking time to rebuild trust is key, as is having clear agreements on what will happen going forwards.
McKimmie said: “I realise that I’m only hearing one side of the story - from you. If I was seeing you as a couple, I would want to meet with you and your wife individually to make sure I was hearing the full story from each of you.
“It would be helpful to understand what was going on for your wife (or in the relationship) that led her to keep this a secret.
“There may be other issues that need to be addressed.
“Rebuilding trust takes time and commitment from both of you. You’ll need to be shown in small and large actions consistently that your wife is being honest with you.
“Have more transparent conversations moving forward with clear agreements on how you’ll manage finances together.”
Topics: Sex and Relationships, Money, Australia
Tom Wood