‘Mercy sex’ explained by a psychotherapist as women admit to doing it with their partners
Warning: This article contains discussion of rape which some readers may find distressing.
A psychotherapist has explained what 'mercy sex' really means, after women admitted to having sex with their partners despite not initially wanting to.
According to recent findings published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, and cited by Psy Post, women experiencing a 'chronic lack of sexual desire' still routinely engage in sexual activity with their partners.
Researchers have quantified such behaviour happening about two and a half times per month.
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The study has since been shared to Reddit, prompting a big discussion on the topic with thousands of people sharing their thoughts on the findings and the wider idea of what has been coined 'mercy sex'.
Clinical Psychotherapist Gareth Strangemore-Jones, Founder, CEO and Clinical Lead at Mental Health Matrix, spoke exclusively to Tyla about sexual compliance, mismatched desire and when agreeing to sex can become unhealthy.
'Mercy sex' is a loaded term
Gareth says 'mercy sex' is a catchy but 'rather loaded' label.
"Researchers more commonly talk about sexual compliance, meaning that somebody agrees to sexual activity despite not initially feeling personal desire for it," he explained.
That can range from freely choosing intimacy despite not feeling spontaneous desire, to feeling unable to say no.
"Not feeling spontaneous desire is not the same as not wanting sex. Some people experience responsive desire."
He explained that someone may become aroused after intimacy begins, making that very different from agreeing because they fear the consequences of refusing.
"People of any sex, gender or sexual orientation can agree to sex they do not particularly desire, whether through affection, habit, insecurity, fear or pressure."
There are plenty of reasons someone might agree to sex
Differences in sexual desire are normal, Gareth says, with couples unlikely to want intimacy at exactly the same time or frequency throughout a relationship.
Stress, exhaustion, parenthood, menopause, illness, pain, medication, depression, anxiety and relationship difficulties can all affect desire.
"Sometimes the motivation is warm and freely chosen. A person may enjoy giving their partner pleasure, hope to feel closer or know that their own desire sometimes arrives after intimacy begins."
But there can also be less comfortable reasons.
"At other times, the motivation is avoidance: preventing an argument, stopping a partner sulking, avoiding accusations of rejection or reducing fears that the partner will leave or be unfaithful," the expert outlined.
People-pleasing can play a part
Gareth says people who have learnt to prioritise keeping others happy may struggle to recognise what they actually want.
He explained: "Somebody who has learnt that love depends upon keeping other people happy may find it easier to override discomfort than risk disappointing their partner."
"They may say yes before they have even checked what they want. Over time, that can become so automatic that they stop recognising it as a choice."
Saying yes does not automatically mean someone felt free to choose
Gareth stresses that consent is about more than the word 'yes'.
"A yes matters, but so does the route by which somebody arrived at it. A reluctant yes can still be a free choice. A yes produced by intimidation, persistent pressure, guilt, manipulation or fear of the consequences may not be freely given at all," he said. "A favour stops being a favour when it cannot safely be refused."
He adds that being in a relationship does not create ongoing consent.
"Nobody owes a partner sex. Not because dinner was paid for, not because it has been a fortnight, and not because they said yes last time. Being married or in a relationship does not create standing consent, and anybody can change their mind at any point," he added.
Repeatedly having unwanted sex can affect intimacy
According to Gareth, repeatedly ignoring your own feelings can eventually change how you experience intimacy.
"Repeatedly overriding your own reactions can teach the mind and body that intimacy is another demand to survive. A person may begin dreading bedtime, avoiding affection or tensing when their partner touches them because every cuddle seems to come with an invoice," he continued.
He says this can contribute to resentment, distance and reduced desire.
There can also be consequences for the other partner, particularly if they believe sex is genuinely mutual.
"Honest disappointment is usually less destructive than a long-running performance," Gareth added.
Sex without arousal can sometimes be painful
Sexual compliance can also have physical consequences.
"Sex without sufficient arousal can also be uncomfortable or painful, particularly where there is vaginal dryness, menopause, pelvic pain or another health condition," Gareth warned.
The psychotherapist says pain should never be viewed as something a person has to endure to keep their partner happy, and persistent pain or significant changes in desire should be medically assessed.
Choosing sex for a partner isn't automatically unhealthy
There can be healthy reasons for choosing intimacy when spontaneous desire isn't there.
"Choosing intimacy partly for a partner is not automatically unhealthy. Couples do generous things for each other, and sex can sometimes begin as an act of affection before becoming mutually enjoyable," Gareth carried on.
He says research into sexual communal motivation suggests caring about a partner's sexual needs can be linked with greater sexual and relationship satisfaction: "Generosity can strengthen intimacy. Self-erasure usually does not."
A 2026 Finnish population-based study of 1,159 adults also found participants reported more positive than negative consequences from sexual compliance on average. Gareth stresses that individual experiences can still be very different.
Three questions can help you work out what's happening
Gareth suggests asking yourself:
- "If I said 'not tonight', would I still feel safe and loved?"
- "Am I genuinely open to this, or am I bracing myself?"
- "Could I stop halfway through without being punished, blamed or made to feel guilty?"
He says the answers reveal more about the situation than how often a couple has sex.
Couples should talk about desire outside the bedroom
Gareth recommends discussing mismatched desire when neither person is making an immediate request.
Rather than asking why one partner 'never' wants sex, he suggests exploring what helps them feel close, safe and receptive, and what makes them shut down.
He also recommends broadening intimacy beyond intercourse. Kissing, cuddling, massage and mutual touch can all be meaningful without creating an expectation that sex will follow.
"If low desire is persistent or distressing, a GP can help review possible contributors such as medication, depression, anxiety, hormonal changes, vaginal dryness, pain or an underlying health condition," the expert advised.
And if someone is frightened, threatened or continually pressured into sex, Gareth says the issue goes beyond mismatched libido. Rape Crisis England & Wales offers confidential support for anyone who needs it.
If you have been affected by any of the issues in this article and wish to speak to someone in confidence, contact the Rape Crisis England and Wales helpline on 0808 500 222, available 24/7. If you are currently in danger or need urgent medical attention, you should call 999.
Topics: Tyla Exclusive, Life, Sex and Relationships, Dating
Rhiannon Ingle