Former addict who set herself on fire was so badly burned she ‘lost her whole identity’
Topics: Mental Health
Emily Puckering
Featured Image Credit: LADbible Originals
Topics: Mental Health
A former drug addict has spoken of how she completely lost her identity after she set herself on fire during one of the lowest points in her life.
Crystal Raye, from Southern California, knows all too well the devastation that addiction can cause.
A childhood filled with grief, chaos and abuse saw Crystal turn to substance abuse at a young age, as she recalled in an interview for LADbible's Minutes With series how she 'experienced every type of abuse there is to experience in your life' by the age of nine.
Speaking of her first experience with drugs, she said: "It wasn't the greatest thing for me in my first experience. And it quickly became the way to kind of fit in and socialise, like all these people in my life, this is what they were doing.
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"This is what they did. And it was almost like my rite of passage."
There's very little that Crystal hasn't tried, and even though she stayed clean during her two pregnancies, addiction always found its way back into her life.
After leaving a violent relationship, Crystal was prescribed pain medication for back pain caused by one of her pregnancies. However, like so many in the US, she became addicted, and when the doctor would no longer prescribe them, she would simply 'find them on the street'.
"Over the course of the 10 years that I continued to do them, when I stopped with the prescription pills, I was taking about 20 a day, 20 at a time," Crystal recalled to LADbible.
"And I'm not proud of this. And I'm not sharing any of this to glorify any of my past... I can remember times where I was standing up talking and, like, nodding out because I was on so many pain pills."
At this point in her life, her mental health nosedived. Her self-esteem was nonexistent, she'd lost custody of her then-teenage child, and she would go for days at a time without eating or sleeping, all while using heavy substances.
But one day, there was a knock on the door of the camper trailer she was temporarily living in - it was the man who had abused her as a child.
"As soon as I saw his face, I stood up and, like, came flying out of the camper door. I can't remember exactly what I was saying to him, but exchange of words," Crystal recalled. "I was angry, instantly mad."
This is when she saw the can of gasoline she kept for a chainsaw she kept at the time.
"I thought nothing's ever gonna get better, he's never gonna leave me alone... Like everybody would be better off. I would be better off because he won't bug me anymore, and everybody would be better off 'cause I'm not gonna be a burden.
"So I started pouring gas over myself and screaming at him. And I could taste the gas, it was burning my eyes. And I could feel it running down my body, and looked at him and lit the lighter, and it didn't light.
"And I lit it again. And I instantly regretted my decision."
In an instant, Crystal was engulfed in flames, and she remembers smelling her hair and skin burning, and tasting the gas.
She screamed at her abuser to put her out, and though her trailer was located in the remote wilderness with no running water or electricity, a tote full of rainwater was on hand, which was able to extinguish the flames.
Crystal doesn't remember anything after this until she woke up in the hospital, where she was told she had a five percent chance of surviving her injuries.
Miraculously, she pulled through, but the person she saw in the mirror was completely unrecognisable.
"So the first time I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror, in the surface, then I was, like, shocked 'cause I had no hair, my eyes were stitched shut, I had no ears, most of my nose was gone now, my mouth doesn't open the same," she recalled.
"I lost my whole identity. Everything that makes you a woman, my breasts are now disfigured, everything. And so I would look in the mirror... and say angry, horrible, disgusting things to myself 'cause that's how I felt."
Sadly, these feelings led to Crystal falling back into her addiction, especially after coming off pain medication.
She was 'angry at her appearance' and wanted to block out the pain she was feeling - but it was a childhood friend years down the line giving her an ultimatum that would change her life for the better.
Watch Crystal's full Minutes With episode below:
In October 2022, her friend bought her a plane ticket, and said to her: "If you do not get on the plane, I cannot afford to get a new one, and I don't wanna hear from you again. If you don't get on this flight, just don't call me anymore."
"And it was a friend that I've had since childhood, has seen me go through all of these horrible things that I've explained today and was willing to give me that one last Hail Mary to get my s**t together," Crystal said.
"And I got on the plane. And on that flight, I manifested a new life on the other side of my addiction, and really thought about this being a clean slate and really, like, to change my life and not do anything that I associated with for my past.
"And though that was really hard to do. I'm happy to say I am 41 months sober still."
Crystal now works hard to advocate for burn survivors and people who've had similar experiences, as 'it's important for us to see people like us in the media and in the public'.
"I have a very visible difference," she said. "I stand out in a room whether I want to or not. And so instead of shying away from it, I try to use it to the best of my ability and use it as an opportunity to educate people.
"I have really been working on sharing my story more with the world to honour the little girl inside of me that survived and experienced it all, and to show people that beautiful things can come from our darkest moments, and you are not too far gone.
"And I thought that at one time, I thought I was too far gone for help, and I'm not, and neither are you."
If you want friendly, confidential advice about drugs, you can talk to FRANK. You can call 0300 123 6600, text 82111 or contact through their website 24/7, or livechat from 2pm-6pm any day of the week
Or if you're experiencing distressing thoughts and feelings, the Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) is there to support you. They're open from 5pm–midnight, 365 days a year. Their national number is 0800 58 58 58 and they also have a webchat service if you're not comfortable talking on the phone.