Trigger warning: This article discusses suicide
A woman has explained why she divorced her dying husband who was diagnosed with testicular cancer.
Yana Fry, 40, a life coach from St Petersburg, Russia, got married when she was only 22-years-old and her husband was 37. Looking back she believes she ‘rushed’ into the marriage.
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She met her now ex-husband about a year before they exchanged vows, and while they had a good relationship, she believes it never stood a chance after his diagnosis.
Yana’s desire to have children became a problem when he was diagnosed with testicular cancer just three months into their marriage.
The couple got married in Switzerland in his home country, and then they moved to New York after his job transferred him there.
"We had a great dating experience," she said. "I definitely thought, 'I'm marrying for life, and I want babies right away.’
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"Then my husband, who was 37, got diagnosed with testicular cancer when I was 22."
Yana said her husband was the type of person to ‘drown in self-pity’ when diagnosed with an illness.
After moving to New York, Yana had no friends or relatives.
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“I was in total isolation with no support system,” she said.
"We couldn't really think about our future. How can you plan for your future as a newly-married couple when you're struggling with something like cancer?"
Society was less aware about mental health at the time, Yana said, and medical professionals never asked how she was coping.
"I was in a state of shock," she remembered. "When I first heard the diagnosis, it took me six months to be able even to say the word cancer.
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"I was hoping for the best with my ex-husband's cancer, but then years went by, and I started to lose hope. It was five years with all the treatments, and it started to change the dynamics within our relationship.
"It wasn't until that fifth year that I started to think about leaving.
"But I felt like I couldn't say anything. When someone is dying next to you, you feel like you can't talk about your own well-being because you compare it to their suffering."
Everything changed for Yana when a friend of hers took their own life. Seeing her friend in their open-casket funeral made her realise her own fragile mental state.
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"It was my first funeral, and it was very shocking. In my mind at the time, suicide became an option, even though I had never considered that before,” she explained. “I was in such a bad state.”
"It was very clear to me that if I didn't save myself, I was probably going to die."
Yana came to the difficult decision to divorce her dying ex-husband. She was 27 when she called it quits.
"His main focus was more and more so about him," she said. "At the beginning of his treatment, he was still checking on me. He felt even more pity for himself because of the divorce.
"I can't say that he was hugely supportive, but it was understandable. But what was even harder was reaction of society, which I didn't expect.
"People sent me horrible messages. I don't want to call it hatred, but it was close to that. People were in pain and they wanted to blame someone.
"His family were so disappointed.
"When he passed away two years later, even though he got married again, they were still so angry that they didn't even feel the need to inform me about his passing."
She found out about his death via Facebook after seeing a picture of him posted by a ‘common friend' that said: “Rest in peace.”
Now based in Singapore, Yana has remarried and she hopes that by sharing her experience, other people, especially women, will find the courage to do what is right for themselves, even if it comes at the cost of social disapproval.
"I feel we, especially women, are just usually brought up [with] the mentality to serve others, but when you go against it, you learn a lot about resilience and self-awareness,” she explained.
"You learn how to not crack under the pressure of the world.
"Being so close to death has made me appreciate life much more too. When you understand how fragile the life is, many conflicts just disappear. You treat each day as a bonus."
If you’ve been affected by any of these issues and want to speak to someone in confidence, contact Macmillan’s Cancer Support Line on 0808 808 00 00, 8am–8pm seven days a week
If you’ve been affected by the topic of suicide in this article and want to speak to someone in confidence, please don’t suffer alone. Call Samaritans for free on their anonymous 24-hour phone line on 116 123
Featured Image Credit: CatersTopics: Health, Sex and Relationships, Mental Health