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Topics: Advice, Dating, Dating trends, Life, Sex and Relationships, Mental Health
Rhiannon Ingle
Topics: Advice, Dating, Dating trends, Life, Sex and Relationships, Mental Health
As I'm sure we're all well aware by now, there is a seemingly endless list of relationship lingo we've got to keep adding to our dating dictionaries.
We've already been warned over the signs of 'micro-cheating', notified of the unwanted resurgence of getting 'zombied' and the exact date of 'cuffing season' - but the latest dating trend taking over Gen Z right now is all to do with the cryptically-named 'Rebecca Syndrome'.
It's apparently such an issue that couples have been issued a warning over the dating phenomenon which could be ruining your relationship without you even realising.
OK, so the catchy buzzword phrase actually has its roots in the 1938 novel Rebecca, written by Daphne du Maurier.
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Basically, in the book, a young woman marries a wealthy man.
However, she finds that she simply cannot cope with the aftermath of moving into his home as both the household and local community are still obsessed with his first wife, who died.
Yep, that's where 'Rebecca Syndrome' got its name as it seems to perfectly encapsulate the seething jealously and rage towards your current partner's former lovers.
Psychotherapist Toby Ingham, an expert in the phenomenon who specialises in retroactive jealousy, reckons these feelings all stem from the way we were raised and the issues we encountered growing up within our families.
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"What surprises me is how little linking up we do between what’s happened to us and how we feel about ourselves," he explained to Vice.
The expert continued: "There are things they’ve been through, things they already knew, but they just haven’t linked that up with what it’s like to be an adult dating in an adult world.
"The label can give you a place to start, but after that, I think looking at it with greater depth is helpful."
Toby also warns that social media can make 'Rebecca Syndrome' worse.
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He noted: "From the Facebook age onwards, people could start looking back over people’s pictures to see who they were with, to check their Instagram, to see who’s following them, to see if an old boyfriend is still liking their current girlfriend’s pictures.
"I think the digital age has accelerated a whole set of psychological problems, and I’m not sure if our psychologies have caught up with that.
"We’re still kind of analog people."
If any of this feels unsettling familiar to you, don't fret, as Toby shared some pointers on how to best deal with retroactive jealousy.
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"I think the individual reality is that this can be a very painful, complicated area to get into," he explained.
However difficult, the expert stressed: "If you don’t get into it, most likely, your relationships are always going to fall apart because you’ll be plagued by some level of kind of paranoia that you don’t matter and that whoever came before you was a more satisfying and important partner."
In short, one of the best ways to remedy the situation for yourself is to simply not ask about your partner's former lovers.
As adults, it's more common than not that your partner has slept with or been in a relationship with someone before you.
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We've just got to be mature and check yourself - AKA not snooping through your partner's private things like their phone and not stalking through social media.
If you find yourself really struggling with something like 'Rebecca Syndrome' that can bring on feelings of anxiety or depression, experts recommend cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) to help you understand why it's such a trigger and work backwards from there.
You can find out more about CBT on the official NHS website here.