Why baby loss certificates are so important for bereaved parents
Warning: This article contains discussion of baby loss which some readers may find distressing.
I was on my way to my friend's baby shower when I realised I was losing mine.
What followed was a week of endless worry, incessant Googling, examinations, waiting rooms and scans, before a simple blood test revealed the news I had known for days: I had lost my baby and there was nothing I could do.
Bleeding or spotting during early pregnancy can be normal, but for around 50 per cent of women - including myself - it can also be indicative of a miscarriage.
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When you experience a loss, everything you had imagined, all the excitement, the plans, the little person you thought they would be - it all evaporates.
I'd never get to count their tiny fingers or study their lashes. I'd never stroke their little nose and wonder, have they got mine, or their dad's?
All that's left is an empty space of grief, and despite one in four women going through miscarriage at some point in their lives, it's a very lonely place to be.
This is exasperated by the fact that losing a baby early in a pregnancy can often mean that only very few people are privy to parents' grief.
Cue stifled sobs on the train, in the supermarket, while stuck in traffic - pretty much everywhere - and a lot of fake smiles and faux small talk.
In many cases, those who do know often find it difficult to approach the subject. I get it; it's better to distract someone than risk them bursting into tears.
But for many women, talking about their babies helps.
Scrambling to hold onto their memory, I desperately wanted to talk about my baby - and I know I'm not alone in feeling like this.
In aid of Baby Loss Awareness Week last year, Tommy's put together some advice on what to say to a parent who had suffered a loss.
One of the most common responses from within their community was to 'acknowledge their baby' if the parent wanted to.
Perhaps this is one reason why the recent introduction of baby loss certificates has been so welcomed by parents.
Those who have suffered a loss before 24 weeks gestation are able to register for a certificate online, which should arrive within a fortnight.
Having applied myself recently, I can tell you it's a pretty straightforward process, and involves inputting your name, NHS number, doctor's surgery details and when the loss occurred.
There's also the option to add a gender and a name.
Perhaps the only flaw is that the scheme only covers losses that occurred in 2018 or later.
However, the Miscarriage Association tells me that certificates for historical losses before this date are something the government are working on.
Zainab Omokhe, 30, from London, sadly lost her baby girl, Noa, when she was 22 weeks pregnant.
During her routine, 20-week scan, Zainab was told that she would need to return to the hospital a few days later to see a consultant.
Sadly, she suffered a second trimester loss just a couple of weeks later.
"There were no issues running up to that point, we were told everything was fine," says Zainab.
"Just as we had had our 20-week scan, we were told we were having a girl and then within the last five minutes of the scan, the sonographer told us we would need to come back within the week to see a consultant."
When she returned, Zainab was told that Noa wasn't getting enough blood flow from the placenta.
A fortnight later, she returned to the hospital and was told that her baby had passed away.
In the UK, when a baby is lost after 24 weeks of pregnancy, the birth can be registered. Zainab gave birth to her daughter at 23 weeks and one day, and was therefore just days away from this mark.
"I was really happy to hear about the certificates. When I had my loss, it was almost as if my baby never existed," she says.
"It was so difficult to deal with the loss in itself but to then be told that if it had happened a few days later, the birth would be registered and I would have had the right to have some sort of maternity leave.
"There is no certificate. The hospital provided memory boxes but they told me there was no official documentation to say that we had had our daughter. As a family, we went through such a terrible and profound experience and then it's almost like it never happened.
"I think the certificates validate the loss, I am allowed to grieve. Sometimes society expects you to get over it and move on."
Emma Bunning, 44, from Devon, agrees. She sadly suffered with three losses - one before she had her daughter, Etta, who is now three, and two afterwards.
Emma's second loss was a twin pregnancy.
"My first miscarriage hit me like a ton of bricks. I was so naive to the possibility, it didn't even cross my mind," says Emma.
"I was lucky enough to have Etta afterwards, but I've since had two miscarriages.
"During my second loss, we found out at the scan. I was told there was twin sacs, but that there was no baby in either of them."
Emma went on to suffer a third loss five weeks later.
"I've always tried to mark those pregnancies in some way," she says. "I planted some seeds for one of the pregnancies, and then my boyfriend had a necklace made for me last Mother's Day, with different charms representing each pregnancy I lost. I have a charm for my little girl, too.
"I feel like the certificates emphasise that they were a real person.
"Sometimes it feels like they're not real because they didn't come. There's a guilt attached to being upset about loss, people think 'oh you didn't have that baby'. But nothing changes what happened, you just learn to live with it.
"The certificates are a way of marking that it did happen and they existed."
If you would like to request a baby loss certificate, you can do so here.
You can also find help, support and advice about baby loss over on the Miscarriage Association website.
Topics: Health, No Article Matching
Lucy Devine