The holidays are a special time of year, but when families and friends gather, sometimes, people say things to couples that are unintentionally hurtful.
For anyone who is Trying To Conceive (TTC), you’ll know that the journey isn’t always smooth, or fast.
According to the NHS, around one in seven couples may have difficulty conceiving, and it can be caused by many things.
With complications like polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), infertility, thyroid complications, miscarriages, male infertility and more, TTC can be a hard and upsetting time for many couples around the world.
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But when talking to couples about babies is suck a normalised thing, it can present a difficult issue around Christmas.
To this, Dr Samantha, a fertility, hormone and gut health expert (@walkthenaturalpath) explained on Instagram what phrases are often said to couples who are trying to have a baby, and the differences in what they mean.
The ‘well meaning’ but hurtful comments
“People often mean well, but these phrases can sting deeply,” she explained in her post.
“It happened on our first try.”
“You can have my kids!”
“Maybe you’re just too stressed.”
“Just focus on the positive.”
According to the expert, those comments hurt because they minimise a ‘complex journey and compare someone’s pain to your own experience- usually without realizing it.”
The triggering questions
As for triggering Qs, these are the ones that apparently sound ‘curious’, but are probably the hardest ones to hear from those around you.
They include things like:
“No kids yet?”
“What are you waiting for?”
“Are you sure you’re doing it right?”
“Have you seen a doctor?”
These can cut deep because they ‘imply blame or delay’ when a person’s TTC journey could include ‘silent emotional and physical work’.
The helpful advice
According to Dr Samantha, the ‘helpful’ things people say, ‘oversimplify the fertility journey’ and also make the person TTC responsible for getting pregnant.
These comments might include:
“Just relax and it’ll happen.”
“Stop thinking about it.”
“You’re trying too hard.”
“Your time will come.”
I know you’ve heard some of those things, but relaxing isn’t a fertility treatment, says the doc.
The holiday-specific triggers
These comments are typically said at ‘holiday gatherings’ says Samantha.
This could be a casual, ‘it’ll be your turn soon’ when talking about another pregnancy, a ‘you should hurry up before you’re too old’ jibe from a relative, or a: “Maybe next year you’ll have a baby!”
Whatever it is, it stings those who are trying hard to have a baby and struggling.
Also, even if they aren’t TTC, maybe they don’t want kids? Let’s stop discussing people being expected to have kids in general.
What to say instead
So, what can you say instead of the above?
For Dr Samantha, it’s something that’s supportive.
This can be telling them you’re there if they need anything, or ask them how you can ‘make the holidays easier’.
It could even be a simple: “I’m thinking about you.”
In the end, it’s best to just stop talking to couples about prospective children, as you never know what’s happening behind the scenes.
Topics: Christmas, Women's Health, Health
Britt Jones