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The Definitive Ranking Of Wetherspoons Cocktail Pitchers

The Definitive Ranking Of Wetherspoons Cocktail Pitchers

If you can't manage a pre-drinking session at your house, pre-drinks at Wetherspoons is the next best thing, let's be honest. Not because it has a particularly homely atmosphere, but just because unlike every other pub, club or bar you'll go into on a night out, Wetherspoons is actually cheap.

Suffice to say, I am a huge fan of Wetherspoons and after an exhausting Saturday afternoon recently, I forced my boyfriend to accompany to our local 'Spoons. Originally we intended to perk ourselves up with one single cocktail pitcher before heading home. By the time we got to the fourth pitcher and had been joined by a friend, going home was off the cards and I decided that our only possible course of action was to complete 'The Wetherspoons Eight'; that is to say I decided that we would be drinking one of every single pitcher that Wetherspoons had to offer. Game on.

(Also, I feel that this is probably a good time to point out that you should drink responsibly and, y'know, not get appallingly drunk and embarrass yourself.)

So without further ado, allow me to advise you on which pitchers are the best and which you should avoid at all costs.

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8. The Godfather. - Jack Daniel's Tennessee Whiskey, Disaronno Amaretto, Pepsi.

Allow me to be frank: if you're the type of person who would willingly look at this drink and think 'I'm going to order that' there's something wrong with you (I did it for science so I'm exempt from this ruling.) The Godfather is, in a word, terrible. It's thick, smelly, and too intense. It tastes like the tears of demons. Avoid at all costs.

Image Credit: Buzzfeed

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7. Raspberry Mojito. - Raspberries, English mint, limes, Bacardi white rum.

While not quite as offensive as The Godfather, Wetherspoons' Raspberry Mojito is still a bad drink. I'm not sure why it's so minty, or why the syrup is so thick that it could choke a hamster, but trust me, it's not a good combination. If you're desperate for that cool refreshing minty taste, just rub some Aquafresh into your gums and be done with it.

Image Credit: Flickr/NicoleAbalde

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6. Classic Pimms. - Pimms, Lemonade, and lots of fruit.

I like Pimms. I like Wetherspoons' pitchers. So what went wrong here? The problem is that this one is just so bland. There's too much ice, not enough Pimms, and too many cucumbers. Even more offensive is the fact that Cheeky Vimto was bumped off the menu to accommodate it. Frankly, the world hasn't seen such a big display of mediocrity since the third season of Glee. It's not bad, it's just not, y'know, good.

Image Credit: Wikipedia

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5. Pornstar Martini. - Mango, passion fruit, orange, lime, Absolut Vanilia.

Now we're getting somewhere. The Pornstar Martini is fruity, refreshing, and seriously sweet. It basically tastes like fruit juice, except you can get drunk on it. Actually though, that's the worst part of a Pornstar Martini pitcher. The choice to use Absolut Vanilia is uncomfortable. It leaves a weird taste of something somewhere between coconut and birthday cake at the bake of your mouth and it's unpleasant. This pitcher would be improved ten-fold if they just used normal vodka. Then it wouldn't be a Pornstar Martini, but you don't always have to aim to be a Pornstar to find success in life, kids. Also, it really shouldn't be served in a pitcher.

4. Blue Lagoon. - Blue Curaçao, Smirnoff, lime cordial, lemonade.

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The big selling point of this drink is that it looks like the screen wash you put in your car. And that makes it fun. Drinking things that look unfit for human consumption is, above all else, fun. And finding that those things taste pleasant is even better. Blue Lagoon is tasty, mild, and juicy. It's good. It only missed out on a place in the top three because it's just not quite as flavourful as the others.

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3. Sex on the Beach. - Smirnoff, Archers, cranberry juice, orange juice.

It was around this point that the first few pitchers hit me and I started to lose my memory a little bit. Still, from what I remember Sex on the Beach was a good, solid, dependable choice. It's just nice. It's nice and comforting like those movies that are always on on Sunday afternoons: Goodnight Mister Tom, Tom's Midnight Garden, West Side Story, Notting Hill etc. It's not going to blow your mind but that doesn't mean it's not going to be there for you in the tough times. You'll always have a friend in Sex on the Beach.

2. Purple Rain. - Sourz Cherry, blue Curaçao, lemonade.

Again, half the fun of this one is the fact that it's bright purple and does not look like it should taste so good. But it's great (as long as you remember to mix it first) and will make you say things like 'Yaaaaaaas queen', 'man this drink is so bae',and 'slay, girl, slay'. Obviously those are very good things. Purple Rain, is funky, it's fresh, and it's not afraid to flaunt its purple form like a pro. Of course, if you dislike Parma Violets you might not enjoy Purple Rain so much, because the after taste is almost exactly the same, but still, Purple Rain will take you where you need to go in the best way possible. It's not gonna rain on anyone's parade.

1. Woo Woo. - Smirnoff, Archers, cranberry juice.

We all love Woo Woo. That's a fact, even if you're not talking about the Sims kind. If you asked someone who'd never tasted Woo Woo whether they liked Woo Woo they'd give you a strong, enthusiastic 'yes'. Woo Woo is pure, liquefied perfection. The sharpness of the cranberry brings out the perfect notes in the Smirnoff, while the cool crisp ice that they love to pile into these pitchers makes it refreshing and alleviates the weird post-cranberry aftertaste. I'm not really sure what Archers is or what it brings to the party, but if it's part of Woo Woo I'm down for it. Give me all the Woo Woo in the world. Let me bathe in Woo Woo. It's classic, it's timeless, it's godly. No night is complete without Woo Woo.

What do you reckon, readers? Do you disagree with my ranking? Let me know what your favourite 'Spoons cocktails are in the comments section!

Written by Jack Rear / @jacksayspurple

Featured Image Credit: Wetherspoons

Topics: Cocktails, Drinks, Alcohol, Drinking

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Jack Rear

Jack is a writer at Tyla. His hobbies include charging admission at weddings and eating glitter. Rumour has it he was thrown out of Taylor Swift's squad for showing too much belly button.