Man Clutches Are A Silent Epidemic That Need To Be Abolished
It was just over a week ago at approximately 7.30pm that we realised the world was in a very dark place.
We were casually perusing pictures of all the famous faces attending the Birds of Prey premiere when we came across something that chilled us to the core.
Prowling the red carpet, chatting to none other than Margot Robbie, Love Island's very own Destiny's Chaldish troupe (aka Jordan Hames and Michael Griffiths) both appeared to be holding... clutch bags.
We'll just let that sink in for a minute.
The pictures disturbed us on multiple levels. To start with, the monstrous man-clutches will have cost the boys an absolute bomb.
Sure, the snakey duo are currently raking in the pennies from all their Instagram #ads, promo nights and brand partnerships, but we're talking real leather Louis Vuitton numbers here. We found Michael's online for £810.
Secondly, and most importantly, the bags didn't even remotely go with their outfits.
Quite frankly, anybody with even the least bit of style knows that a clutch bag is just as much a part of your look as a pair of earrings, or even your shoes.
You need many, in varying colours and sizes - and one doesn't simply just whack it out with any ensemble under the sun.
However, at the premiere, clearly keen to show off their new designer stash, Jordan and Michael gave us a terrifying glimpse into the future. And it isn't pretty.
Throwing caution to the wind and showing a flagrant disregard for the fact the bags clashed with their looks, Jordan teamed his brown man-clutch with a pair of distressed black jeans and trainers, while Michael decided to wear his with a casual pair of grey chequered trousers.
We mean come on guys.
After doing some digging, we learnt that last week's premiere isn't the first time the boys have pulled out their clutches. In fact, they're rarely seen without them these days.
But the problem is, it's not just them.
The new accessory was coined as a trend to watch out for during last month's Milan Fashion Week shows.
Plus, worryingly hinting at a more widespread modern epidemic, just a cursory search of the phrase 'manclutch' on Instagram pulls in over 14,000 results.
Tipping it as some kind edgy, modern style statement, on the official Louis Vuitton website, Michael's clutch is billed as "the ideal accessory for today's man."
And thats not all. The website adds that the bag is "suitably compact yet practical with many sophisticated details". Which is curious, because we can't see any. Not one. Zilch.
View this post on InstagramRushing through Wednesday like :exclamation:#werbungunbezahlt #TheRainbowcheck #burberry #burberrybag #christopherbailey #rainbow #rainbowbag #lgbt #lgbtq #lgbtq:rainbow: #mrzimmerlaut #manbag #manpouch #manclutch #menwithbags #bagoftheday
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Of course, it's entirely up to Michael, Jordan and any other man-clutch owner to decide what they want to waste their heard earned money on.
But the bigger issue here is how they are holding them.
As he chatted to Margot, Jordan's man-clutch almost seemed to be getting in the way - like he hadn't quite nailed how to tuck it under one arm.
Meanwhile, posing on the red carpet, Michael looked like somebody's aunty at a wedding, beaming awkwardly as he left the overpriced accessory to hang off his index finger.
What this new man-clutch trend fails to recognise is that when we women carry them it's usually because we actually *need* them.
We're not trying to be mean, really, we're not. But on a logical level, we can't even think what Jordan and Michael could possibly have on their possession that would merit lugging one about...
Hair ties? Lipstick? Tampons?
They're a pain for us at the best of times. So, if it's just your wallet and your phone, then surely it would be a lot more practical to use your pocket?!
In the interest of fairness, we should clarify that, of course, fashion is subjective. And don't get us wrong, were sure there are some men who could work them.
But if you're going to wear a man-clutch then please, for the love of god, style it right.
Sorry, someone had to say it.
Featured Image Credit: Instagram/ Freuds