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How To Have Sex Quietly When You're At Your Parents’ For Christmas

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How To Have Sex Quietly When You're At Your Parents’ For Christmas

Christmas has arrived, and those of us who are lucky enough to have sidestepped the pesky (and highly contagious) omicron variant are speeding off home to their families to celebrate the festive season.

It is thought seven out of ten of us have headed back to mum and dad’s for Christmas (negative lateral flow test provided), and some of us may have our significant others in tow.

And while it’s traditional for Santa to come on Christmas Eve, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t be joining him, if you catch our drift.

Why shouldn't Christmas be sexy? (Credit: Alamy)
Why shouldn't Christmas be sexy? (Credit: Alamy)
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However, there is a major downside to things getting steamy when you’ve gone home – the HORROR of having your parents overhear.

But whether you and your partner have a sexual set menu, or a few too many at the pub ignites a flame for someone you went to school with – we at Tyla put together a fool-proof list on how to hump at home, so you can keep things going bump in the night throughout the festivities.

Why do we even want to have sex at Christmas?

Christmas sex may be on the menu (Credit: Unsplash)
Christmas sex may be on the menu (Credit: Unsplash)
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According to a survey by SKYN, more than half of all millennials will get down and dirty on Christmas Day. So what is it about the festive season that makes us want to ding dong merrily on high?

Well, according to sex expert at Condoms.com, James Thomas, that warm, fuzzy feeling we often feel at Christmas time can see us want to express our love to a partner in a more physical way.

“During the Christmas holiday, we feel happier and calmer than any other time of the year, and these moods can correlate with an increased interest in sex with our partner,” he says. “The festive season places an emphasis on love, gift giving and family, which can create a romantic atmosphere to spark all types of tropes seen in popular Christmas films from lost-then-found love, new love, accidental pregnancies, friends to lovers.”

However, the environment that fosters that happy, loving environment is the same one that can put the kibosh on any intimacy.

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As well as potentially having to make do with sharing your childhood bedroom for your Christmas coitus (with your teddy bear, Mr Fluffy, watching you out the corner of his eye), there’s also the horrors of thin walls, being too loud or having your parents barge in.

“The most obvious reason is due to a lack of privacy during intimate moments, which can make you struggle to ‘get in the mood,’” James says. “Perhaps you can’t be as loud as you wanted to be in case your parents hear, perhaps the walls are too thin or perhaps your little sister is throwing a tantrum downstairs.

“Either way, living at home can make dating and sex more complicated as there are more restrictions to comply with. “

How can we minimise noise?

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There are ways to keep things sexy and discrete (Credit: Alamy)
There are ways to keep things sexy and discrete (Credit: Alamy)

If you’re feeling frisky and fancy a sesh in the bedroom, sexologist at thesexconsultant.com, Ness Cooper, urges us to look back to our younger years when many of us may haves started exploring our sexual identities.

“Think back to when you were younger and trying to avoid getting caught,” she tells Tyla. “Returning to your past sexual experience can not only bring awareness on how to combat this problem, but it can also be arousing to remember past sexual experiences."

Ness adds that if an embarrassingly creaky bed is putting you off your stride, move the action elsewhere.

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“Set up a bed on the floor, get the duvets and pillows and make it a fun alternative to having sex on the bed,” she suggests. “Look into having sex whilst standing instead of keeping it just in the bed.

“Seated sex positions can reduce movement that can cause beds to make noise, as well as suited to those having to have sex in a smaller bed, as the positions are more compact than others.”

What are the best sex positions for silent sex?

Sex sitting up stops the creaking (Credit: Unsplash)
Sex sitting up stops the creaking (Credit: Unsplash)

Sex expert Isabelle Uren at Bedbible.com advises sex positions where you’re on your side will lessen any potential bed creaking, and suggests couples indulge in some ‘spooning sex’.

“Not only is spooning one of the cosiest sex positions out there, but it’s also one of the quietest,” she says. “Assume the spooning position, so the big spoon can enter the little spoon from behind, using their arms to hold their partner close.

“The receiving partner can use their free hand to stimulate their clitoris or penis for even more of the good stuff!

“In this position, the penetrating partner can make the most of the closeness by lavishing their partner’s neck with kisses, particularly the sensitive areas on the side of the neck and the ears.

“Opt for grinding rather than thrusting as it is much quieter, and as a bonus, it provides increased clitoral stimulation.”

Spooning is also a good alternative (Credit: Alamy)
Spooning is also a good alternative (Credit: Alamy)

And if there’s one position to give a miss over Christmas, it’s certainly doggy, according to Ness.

“Doggy position can rock the bed a lot and may result in bedframes creaking more,” she says. “So it’s best to avoid this one if you’ve got a creaking bed.” 

What if you’re *vocal* when you have sex?

Shower sex can help down out noise (Credit: Unsplash)
Shower sex can help down out noise (Credit: Unsplash)

If you’re someone who can’t help but vocally express themselves when they’re having a good time, James suggests perhaps experimenting in the bedroom.

“Talk to your partner about whether they would feel comfortable experimenting with toys such as gags or wrapping a scarf their mouth,” he suggests. “If not, you can offer them a pillow to bite on during intercourse.

“Keeping quiet is all about keeping the mouth occupied, so engage in plenty of kissing and foreplay sessions to tone down the volume of your sex!”

Meanwhile, Ness suggests learning some new techniques to keep any screams of passion at bay.

“Explore tantric breathing to learn to take more control of your orgasm, including bringing awareness to the sounds you make,” she says. “Or, have sex in the shower, the running water should help reduce the noise from sex.” 

What if you’re still feeling too *shy* for sex at home?

You don't have to take your clothes off to have a good time (Credit: Unsplash)
You don't have to take your clothes off to have a good time (Credit: Unsplash)

If you’re still too concerned about your family finding you and your partner doing the no pants dance, remember you don’t have to opt for full penetrative sex.

“Rediscover the joys of hand jobs, fingering, and oral sex,” Isabelle suggests. “If you want to use sex toys, opt for quiet or non-vibrating ones.”

Ness, meanwhile, urged people looking for a festive lay to be imaginative.

“Try more body language and flirty contact that slowly teases and excites your partner,” she says. “Flirty banter can help build-up the erotic tension between both of you whilst still showing each other you are desiring each other. If successful, when you return home, you should expect to have some intense sexual experiences together.”

Featured Image Credit: Alamy

Topics: Sex and Relationships, Christmas

Kimberley Bond
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